What Are the Five Love Languages?
Have you ever wondered how you could apply the five love languages to self-care? Dr. Gary Chapman had relationships in mind when he wrote the book, The 5 Love Languages® book. The premise is simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer. You can learn more about the five love languages here: https://5lovelanguages.com/learn. I can’t think of a more important relationship than the one we have with ourselves. When we apply the five love languages to self-care, it changes everything in our ability to love others.
In this post, we’re going to cover the following:
- The Five Love Languages: Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Acts of Service
- How to Discover Your Top Love Languages
- What Is Self-Care?
- Is Self-Care Selfish?
- How to Use Your Love Language to Practice Self-Care
- What Children Learn from Us Using the Five Love Languages to Practice Self-Care
- What Our Spouses Learn From Us Using the Five Love Languages to Practice Self-Care
- What Is Your Love Language, and How Can You Incorporate It Into a Self-Care Routine?
Receiving Gifts
For some people, receiving a heartfelt gift makes them feel most loved.
Dr. Jeral Kirwan, former Program Chair of the Master of Arts in Psychology in the College of Health, Human Services, and Science at the University of Arizona Global Campus offers insight into gift-giving.
“There are psychological advantages to both giving and receiving. Giving a gift increases feelings of satisfaction and helps to reinforce relationships by positively acknowledging each other,” explains Dr. Kirwan. Both the giver and receiver benefit emotionally from the act of giving or receiving.
Quality Time
This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
The psychology behind this expression of love emphasizes quality over quantity.
Chapman explains, “Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking.”
Quality time can be a love language expressed by anyone, and finding ways to express it within your non-romantic relationships is essential too.
Physical Touch
To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate physical touch.
The University of Arizona sums up Physical Touch so well:
It may seem a given that physical touch would make the list of the five love languages, but the psychology behind this form of communication goes deeper than you might think. Touch is the first language we use to communicate as infants, and it plays a critical role in social and behavioral development.
According to Katherine Harmon of Scientific American (2010), “Many children who have not had ample physical and emotional attention are at higher risk for behavioral, emotional, and social problems as they grow up.”
Observing the interactions of mere strangers makes it easier to identify the powerful effects of touch. Researchers Gallace and Spence (2010) found several notable outcomes from their studies on the topic:
- Elderly nursing home residents tend to feel unwanted or unloved due to a lack of physical contact with others.
- People are significantly more likely to return a dime left in a phone booth if the preceding telephone caller touched them.
- People are more likely to give someone a free cigarette if the request comes from someone who touched them simultaneously.
- Individuals who have been touched are more likely to agree to participate in mall interviews.
As we dig deeper into touch in established relationships versus strangers, the power of touch becomes even more apparent.
Gulledge, Gulledge, and Shahmann (2003) elucidate, “Touch is crucial in creating and strengthening romantic relationships. Tactile physical affection is highly correlated with overall relationship and partner satisfaction. Moreover, conflict resolution is easier with more physical affection, including hugging, cuddling/holding, and kissing on the lips.”
Words of Affirmation
This language uses words to affirm other people. This verbal communication is encouraging, empowering, active, and appreciative. We can express words of affirmation through spoken and written words, which show our love for others.
Dr. Michelle Rosser-Majors, Associate Professor and Program Chair for the Bachelor of Arts in Psychology in the College of Health, Human Services, and Science at the University of Arizona Global Campus, explains that positive affirmations ensure more than simply a good feeling for those who receive them.
“As human beings, we aspire to feel competent, valued, and appreciated. Positive words have this type of power, creating the foundations to build strong, productive relationships that resonate with clear lines of communication.”
A concept from positive psychology further asserts that positive words can do more than demonstrate love (Newberg & Waldman, 2012). Using affirmative words like “love,” “peace,” and “loving-kindness” improves our brain functions– resulting in increased cognitive reasoning and strengthened frontal lobes. Speaking and hearing positive words more often than negative ones can activate the motivational centers of the brain, encouraging us to take positive action more often.
Acts of Service
For these people, actions speak louder than words.
Acts of service (doing helpful, thoughtful deeds) are another way we give love and feel loved.
Chapman describes acts of service (2009) as “doing something for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do.”
You know that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from a selfless act? Dr. Rosser-Majors expands on the idea, noting that serving another is relational leadership.
She says, “True leaders serve others before serving themselves. This level of unselfish service inspires people, as well as the communities and families they impact, to be greater, to go beyond, to aspire.”
As I scroll social media, run into neighbors, and observe many interactions, I no doubt the world could use more service in love and less hate.
How to Discover Your Top Love Languages
Now we know what the five love languages are, let’s help you discover yours.
Before reading Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages, I never thought about how I receive and give love. I just knew when I wasn’t getting any. HAHA! I know I’m not the only one. “I can’t tell you what I want; I just know I’m not getting it right now!” My poor husband. But aren’t they supposed to be mind readers anyway? I digress…
The fastest and easiest way to discover your love language is by taking the quiz here:https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
In this post, we will apply the concept of your love language to self-care. Once I discovered the application of love languages to self-care, the idea became much easier to practice with my spouse and my children. Think about it… How useful are we when we’re trying to pour from an empty cup? It becomes almost impossible if we attempt to love our family more intentionally but don’t first love ourselves.
What Is Self-Care?
Before we address self-care, let’s discuss what it IS NOT. Self-care is not self-indulgence. It is not self-serving nor exists to satisfy one’s ego.
According to the Oxford Languages Dictionary, Self-Care is the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume this isn’t the first you’ve heard about “self-care.” According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” HAS doubled since 2015.
An article by everydayhealth.com quoted Paula Gill Lopez, Ph.D., an associate professor and chair of the department of psychological and educational consultation at Fairfield University in Fairfield, Connecticut, saying the need for self-care is obvious.
“We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression,” she says. “Everybody feels it.”
If we look at the dictionary’s definition above, pay close attention to the last sentence. “…in particular during periods of stress.” How many people do you know who are stressed right now? Are you stressed? People are arguing about politics, race, and vaccines. The news outlets are consistently attempting to polarize our issues, and further divide us. Inflation is on the rise, and we have an impending recession. Our phones have allowed us to stay connected to endless information 24 hours a day, but we’ve never been so disconnected. Not only have I experienced more stress in the past three years, but my family and friends also have. It’s no surprise the statistics reflect a rise in depression and anxiety.
“Self-care is anything you do for yourself that feels nourishing,” says Marni Amsellem, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Trumbull, Connecticut.
Without self-care, I would be lost. It takes intentionality to rest well. It takes good self-care habits to process all the craziness, empowering us to lead our families and communities with clarity and focus.
Is Self-Care Selfish?
Is self-care selfish? No. When caring for yourself, especially in high times of stress, practicing good self-care will strengthen you to be there for those who need you the most. Taking good care of yourself is one of the most giving things you can do for those you love. I know it’s cliche, but it’s so true in this application, “You need to put your oxygen mask on first before attempting to help those around you.” Self-care is your oxygen mask. Creating healthy self-care habits could be one of your most essential routines this year.
“When self-care is regularly practiced, the benefits are broad and have even been linked to positive health outcomes such as reduced stress, improved immune system, increased productivity, and higher self-esteem,” says Brighid Courtney, of Boston, a client leader at the wellness technology company Wellable and a faculty member at the Wellness Council of America (WELCOA).
How to Use Your Love Language to Practice Self-Care
What if you treated yourself daily like you were the other person in a relationship with you? Or what if you treated yourself (or talked to yourself) daily like you would your 5-year-old daughter? Hopefully, you would speak kind words, spend quality time, give hugs, do things to show your love to her, and give her gifts occasionally.
Unfortunately, the opposite tends to be more accurate in self-care. I know it’s not uncommon for me to speak unkindly to myself and allow the negative self-talk to creep in throughout the day. And how often do we set ourselves up with unrealistic expectations? What about self-sabotaging behaviors? You know, when we do the things we know aren’t good for us and avoid the things we know are best?
These bad habits wreak havoc on our mental and physical health, relationships, and ability to work.
Joyce Marter, LCPC, says,“ I’ve come to believe that perhaps our greatest life lesson is learning to accept and love ourselves fully.”
Here are some examples of how to use your love language to practice self-care:
– Receiving Gifts: Gift yourself those workout pants you’ve been wanting or those gold hoops you’ve been eyeing at the mall. You could also gift yourself an experience like traveling with friends. You can give yourself the gift of knowledge with education or advancement in your vocation.
– Quality Time: Set aside daily time for meditation and prayer. Make time to celebrate life and be intentional about creating memories while doing the things you love. They could be hiking, kayaking, reading, camping, etc. Make sleep and exercise a priority. And NEVER overbook your calendar.
– Physical Touch: Pamper yourself with a pedicure, facial, or massage. (My favorite is a Himalayan Sea Salt Stone Massage!) Release toxins with an Epsom salt hot bath. Another way you can practice self-care with the love language of physical touch is to moisturize your skin with lotions and oils, or ask your spouse to rub your feet and hands.
– Words of Affirmation: Journal your strengths and list what you are grateful for. Use your journaling time as a brain dump to stop the negative loop of self-defeating talk. Replace those lies with the truth of what God says about you. Practice this not only in your journal with the written word, but also with the spoken word. Speak positive words over yourself. This could include a daily affirmation. Here are a few of my favorite affirmations: God will give me the strength to do everything He wants me to do today. Or… God woke me up this morning for a purpose.
– Acts of Service: Meal prep healthy meals on Sundays for yourself. Take time to plan out a menu and shopping list and have the recipes ready. You can also create a clean, organized, and comforting home environment. You don’t have to spend much money to make your house feel like home. Make sure you schedule haircuts, dental appointments, and checkups. My family knows I have a “Care and Keeping of Jen” day. Whenever I feel the urge to cancel any of these appointments, I remind myself how much value I hold because of who created me. I need to treat his creation with care, and so do you!
What Children Learn from Us Using the Five Love Languages to Practice Self-Care
As you discover your love language and how you use it to practice self-care, your children will see a beautiful example of how they, too, need to value themselves enough to take care of the small things. When we respect ourselves enough to invest in self-care, our children will follow our example. Remember, kids, do what’s caught, not what’s taught. They are watching. How do you want them to treat themselves?
What Our Spouses Learn From Us Using the Five Love Languages to Practice Self-Care
Can I confess? I’m NOT a good wife when I’m not practicing good self-care. I forget my value, and my mental health suffers. When my mental health suffers, I have nothing to give my husband. But when I am in tune with my love language and practice self-care, I’m much more patient, giving, and vibrant. I crave intimacy with my husband, and my cup overflows. Our husbands can feel it. You know the saying, happy wife, happy life? It’s true, ladies. Our energy determines the energy in our homes. We hold so much influence on our family… they deserve the best from us, especially our husbands.
What Is Your Love Language, and How Can You Incorporate It Into a Self-Care Routine?
By now, you probably have a good idea of your love language. You might have an overwhelming winner for your top love language. Or, if you’re like me, you have three tied for the top. Either way, you can commit to incorporating a few essential self-care habits into your daily schedule. If you love checklists, download my FREE self-care checklist to help you get started!
I’d love to hear your love language in the comments below!
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.