21 simple tips for communicating with your teenage son? Dumbfounded, I stared at the title. So many things ran through my brain. The first was, “Who do you think you are advising about how to talk to teen boys?” Yes, I have four boys in their teen years, but do I know what I’m doing? If I were honest, the answer is no. I feel stumped most of the time between mood swings, physical changes, and social media. Haha!
Moreover, with each of my boys, I’ve had to find the best way, a different way, and a new way to foster open communication. With that said, I have four of the most unique, kind, hard-working gentlemen I’ve been privileged to guide and raise. So, I might know something about communicating with your teen son.
Teenage Boys Are Still Young Boys
We can all admit the awkwardness starts in middle school. You can watch them grow from a young boy to a 6-foot man. Although they are still young boys trapped in a growing body, they’re not quite ready to occupy. Meanwhile, when adults see their size or the changes happening, they treat young men differently. Coupled with the peer pressure and low self-esteem of young boys, intense emotions can quickly become the norm. These emotions can be displayed in risky behavior, withdrawal, or extreme highs and lows.
Meanwhile, they’re thrust into high school, where our teen’s life becomes much more complicated, and therefore, it can feel like communicating with your teenage son becomes more complex. Fourteen years old was always the age I saw the most changes in my boys. It’s their freshman year, and our influence on them dwindles to sporadic family dinners. With team sports and an early school schedule, the first year has always been the year that time suddenly speeds up.
What Society Says About Communicating With Your Teenage Son
Ever since I was pregnant with my third son and especially my fourth son, it became clear that society sees boys and men differently than girls. I know people mean well, but the comments that I heard repeatedly, made right in front of my boys, were sad. They said things like, “I could never have all boys.” “I bet you were hoping for a girl.” “You sure have your hands full.” It was hard not to feel like somehow they were conveying that I was deficient as a boy mom, like I was missing something. But as I looked at my young boys, I saw adventure, strength, tenderness, and curiosity. I fell in love with all four of my boys and grew to treasure their differences and celebrate the beautiful energy they brought to our home.
While researching for this post, I saw post after post talking about how to “deal” with your teenager. I don’t want to “deal” with my teenager. I want my teenager to feel loved, heard, and seen.
Please Don’t Make The Same Mistakes I Did With My Teenage Sons
We always joke that our firstborn was the poor guinea pig who experienced all our parenting mistakes. My firstborn is very much like his dad; quiet, reserved, introverted—think the strong silent type. Much like my frustration as a young bride with my husband’s tendency to withdraw, I was frustrated with my son’s lack of communication. One of our biggest mistakes is projecting our feelings onto our loved ones. For example, if my son was quiet after school and didn’t want to share anything with me, I assumed something terrible had happened; Something sinister and evil. Hah! As a side note, have I told you about “Worst-Case Scenario Jen?” She’s excellent at making up the story if the story isn’t told. And typically, my story? It’s never in anyone’s favor. I digress… I would immediately pepper my son with questions and statements, “What happened?” “Talk to me.” “I just want you to let me into your world.” Aye! Mamas, don’t do this. Just because our sons are quiet, doesn’t mean they are hiding anything.
Fast-forward, and I now cherish the quiet rides in the car with my boys. I’ve learned that communicating with my teenage son can be simple. I don’t have an innate urge to fill the space with unnecessary words. Additionally, I’ve grown to adore the simplicity with which my boys operate. They don’t overthink and typically think before speaking rather than rush to say empty, senseless words. I’ve learned so much from my boys on how to communicate.
Let’s dive into some simple ways to communicate with your teenage son.
21 Simple Tips for Communicating With Your Teenage Son
1. Find an Environment Where the Pressure Is Low, and the Environment Is Trusted.
Nobody likes to be under pressure. I remember when I was a teen (Let’s be honest, it still happens as a 46-year-old woman), and my mom would pepper me with questions. The interrogation style of communication overwhelms me and causes me to shut down. Our boys are no different. As much as I love the dinner table, our best conversations happened in the hot tub, on the chair lift while skiing, or on a mountain hike. In other words, meaningful conversations happen in a trusted, safe space where the pressure is low.
2. Date Your Teenage Son
We’ve always made it a priority to date our children. Once a week, my husband and I try to take one child out on a date, just the two of us. It doesn’t have to be expensive. It could be fast food and a walk by the river, treating them to a sit-down dinner and a movie, or driving to a park for a picnic and throwing the football around. Focus on your parent-child relationship by spending time with them, uninterrupted by the phone or other distractions. If your relationship is strained, it doesn’t matter if you follow these 21 tips on communicating with your teenage son. Your teenager will continue to block you out. Building a close relationship requires mutual respect and quality time.
3. When Communicating With Your Teenage Son, Keep Your Initial Reaction to Yourself.
I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with my teenage boys when my jaw wants to drop, and I wish to respond, react, or scold, but I can’t. Whether they’re telling me how far they went with their girlfriend, what they saw in the high school bathroom, or their thoughts on politics, I have to keep quiet and give them space to talk. If we react too quickly or harshly, any trust we’ve built will be destroyed, making it unlikely they’ll ever want to communicate with us again. So, Mamas, resist the urge to react, keep your opinions to yourself, and listen.
4. Frame Your “Sex” Talks Around Positivity.
I don’t know about you, but the more I was told something was wrong, harmful, or off-limits, it just made me want it. (Any other rebellious mamas out there?) My husband and I decided early on that sex was one of the most important topics we discussed casually, early, and often. We wanted it framed in a healthy and biblical context. We wanted them to hear about the dangers of porn from their dad. Likewise, we wanted to blast any curiosity and mystery about the entire subject. Sadly, our kids will hear about sex much younger than you suspect. And I promise, if they don’t hear about it from you, it WILL be framed in a way that is not healthy. But communicating with your teenage son about sex and initiating the conversation casually keeps the door open for them to come to you with questions.
5. Don’t Take Things Personally.
Seriously, mamas! This is a critical one. Around fourteen years old, your boys will begin to pull away. All four of my boys did it, some earlier and some later, but eventually, they ALL tested their independence. They are no longer our babies and don’t want to be babied. They’ll tell you less about school.
Furthermore, they’ll spend more time on their phones. They’ll roll their eyes and not want to have family dinner. Not only that, but they’ll get irritated with you. It’s ok. It’s not personal. As mamas, we tend to overdramatize situations and make them about us. This will shut your son down faster than it will take to heal your relationship. When communicating with your teenage son, remember, It’s NOT ABOUT YOU. Give them space to approach your conversations from love, not a defensive heart.
6. Stop Making a Lesson Out of Everything.
Oh, man! If there was one I am notorious for, it’s making a lesson out of everything. Your teenage son needs you to hold space for him to be heard. He doesn’t want advice or for you to fix everything. You can also ask him if he wants you to respond or listen before he comes to you with something. But always focus more on listening and less on talking.
7. You’re the Most Important Role Model Your Kids Have.
Yes, their friends are influential to them, but how you behave and fulfill your responsibilities will have a profound and long-lasting effect on your children.
“I think a lot of parents believe that it’s too late, that by adolescence, peers have all the power,” Silk said. “But this research is showing that parents shouldn’t give up, that they still do have the power to help their adolescents learn how to process and regulate their emotions.” — Amanda Morris, PhD
8. Take Mental Health Seriously.
A recent study identified several areas of the brain that underlie emotional responses in teens, including the subgenual cingulate cortex, anterior insula, and amygdala. For example, teens who had more activity in those regions during the rejection phase of Silk’s Chatroom Interact Task, compared with the acceptance phase, were more likely to experience depression and suicidality down the line. What does this mean to us as parents? When communicating with your teenage son, take note of any mental health concerns seriously. One out of every four teenagers struggles with mental health. See a therapist or counselor if your teen refuses to talk to you and won’t open up to another adult. Mood swings are typical, but please act when something is off and more than typical.
9. Meet Your Teenage Son Where He’s At.
We often feel like our teenagers are heading in a direction we don’t want them to go. I’m not speaking of risky behavior necessarily. I’m talking more about interests, sports, hobbies, etc. You might not realize it now, but somewhere along the line, you dreamt of watching them play football in high school, be recognized in the honor society, or be the star soccer player. Maybe you see a true gift in their piano playing, and they choose to stop playing to take up cheerleading. It’s a delicate balance of encouraging them to grow their skills and learn discipline and forcing them to continue with something that no longer brings them joy. Open communication and a desire to understand where they’re coming from will help you move forward. And as parents, we must seek to understand and support them even if we don’t.
10. Help Your Teen Create Good Sleep Habits.
Teen brains need more sleep than adults, and your conversations will improve when they’re (and you’re) rested.
11. Don’t Expect Long or Detailed Answers.
I don’t know about you, but I’m a detail person. Tell me everything! I want to know who, when, what, and why. But I learned early on that my boys (and my husband) are not into details. In fact, for about three years, my oldest just replied to most questions with a grunt. He also responded to most texts with “Good,” “OK,” or “Fine.”
12. Ask Your Teen Boy Open-Ended Questions.
Asking open-ended questions makes it easier for your son to respond with more thought and consideration. Typically, after school pick-up, I ask, “What class was the best today?” Or “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” If I only ask, “How was school?” They’re usually tired and respond with “Fine.” Communicating with your teenage son with open-ended questions makes it easier to have a more in-depth conversation.
13. Be Genuinely Curious About What Your Son Is Interested In.
We touched on this a little, but let’s take it further. One day, I heard a loud noise in our garage and proceeded to inspect what was happening. That’s when I found my son lying under his car, flying sparks and loud welding noises echoing in the garage. I asked what he was doing, and his response was? “Oh! I’m welding my muffler.” I asked him where he got the welder and how he knew how to do it. “Off amazon, and I learned on YouTube.” That’s when I realized it was my job to show genuine curiosity and excitement about the things that excited him! I am not into cars. I have grease all over my garage and hear my son coming from four miles away. BUT… working on cars and learning hands-on brings him so much joy! I can’t shut him down and show frustration whenever he works on them. It’s not your first instinct, but be genuinely curious about his interests!
14. Make It a Family Rule to Unplug Once a Week.
I know this sounds impossible, but trust me on this one. Every Sunday, we had a family rule… No friends and no phones. I was just addicted to my phone as they were, so this was for me. They knew it was coming every week, and I wouldn’t back down. Usually, I scheduled a family hike every Sunday that all five teenagers were required to participate in. They would complain the first half of the day. But every single Sunday, halfway through the day, I saw them interacting with each other more. I heard more chatter, laughter, and connection between all of them. It’s too easy for the whole family to disconnect from each other while connected to our devices.
15. Don’t Track Your Teenage Son on His Phone.
I know, another controversial tip. But I hope you can learn from my mistakes. Out of all four of my sons, I have one that is incredibly social. He loves his cars and wants to constantly go to car meets on the weekends, chill out with his friends, talk cars, and cruise. One weekend, when he was 10 minutes past his curfew, I found myself tracking his phone. My heart started racing, and my anxiety levels went through the roof. I was livid watching the radar drive further away from the direction of home. I texted him angrily, demanding he gets his butt home. Of course, he had consequences when he finally got home, but I started tracking his phone the following weekend before his curfew. I would go crazy wondering who he was with and what he was doing. It was ridiculous. The stress and anxiety kept me from sleeping most weekends and began a dangerous cycle of sleep deprivation. I stopped tracking his phone and trusted him to text if he felt like he was in an unsafe situation or needed a ride home. We still delivered consequences if he broke the rules, but I trusted him and let go. In addition, he started showing up on time and proving he was trustworthy. And I stopped driving myself crazy.
16. Speak to the King and Get More King.
Oh! This is an excellent lesson for treating and communicating with our sons and husbands. I found myself focusing on everything my sons were doing wrong. The nag in me took over, and before I knew it, they couldn’t do anything to my standards. It was unfair and miserable for all of us. But once God showed me the power I held as their mother and the power my words held, everything changed. Every time I complained about what they did wrong, they responded with less respect and did more wrong. But when I spoke to whom I knew they were deep down inside… when I spoke to the remarkable qualities I knew they possessed, I saw less defensiveness and more quality behavior. I saw them rise to the man I was speaking to. It’s a powerful thing, the words we speak over our children. Just ask yourself, who am I speaking to because you will get more of that.
17. Be Careful With What You Praise.
Don’t limit your praise to just accomplishments. Kids need to be acknowledged and recognized for not just their achievements but for who they are.
18. Be Vulnerable With Your Teenage Son.
When we offer a little insight into our life in terms of struggles in the form of a personal story, our sons are more likely to reciprocate. As crazy as it sounds, trust does go both ways; if you’re open about a struggle you have, they’re more likely to open up about a battle they have. Of course, use discretion, keeping unnecessary details out and only sharing what is necessary to draw the parallel. The key is to show humility and humanity while focusing on where it belongs — on him, not you.
19. Ask For Forgiveness.
When you’ve made a mistake, be willing to ask for forgiveness. One morning, it was chaos trying to get everyone out of the house. All five kids were in the kitchen barking at each other, my husband was rushing off to work, and I was grumpy. Snapping at my son unnecessarily, I knew I was in the wrong. I dropped them off at school and cried in the car. Subsequently, I proceeded to the store, bought some whoppers, and pulled my son out of class to meet me in the hallway. I looked him in the eye and said, “I’m so sorry about how I spoke to you this morning. Will you forgive me?” And he did. The more we can set the example of humility, the more they’ll catch on.
20. Give Your Son Time to Respond.
Whenever I ask my boys to do anything; the dishes, have a conversation with me, make that phone call, or get off the PS4, I want them to obey immediately. I’ve since learned they take time to finish a game, process their emotions, and make decisions. When we give our sons some room and time to obey, it allows them to build self-trust and self-discipline.
21. Say Yes More Than You Say No.
This is another way to say, “Pick your battles.” While rules and expectations are fundamental and can help keep your teen organized, productive, and safe, it’s also vital to say “YES” when possible. Be flexible, so your teen sees you as an ally who wants to work with them, provided they follow the rules. Consequently, when we say “NO,” they’re secure in our love for them, and they know we mean it. I love surprising my kids with a “YES” because it keeps them coming to me with requests and plans, knowing I will consider them, which can make things go better when I have to say “NO.”
Don’t Give Up on Your Teenage Son
Raising teenage boys is not easy, but it’s also one of the most beautiful journeys we can embrace. My boys are my pride and joy. I’ve watched them work their butts off at sports, skiing, and school. Moreover, I’ve been awestruck by their 2-A-Days, 6:00 am practices, and rigorous work schedules. Not only that, but I’ve witnessed the devastation of rejection when they didn’t make the team. I’ve held them when girlfriends broke their hearts. And I’ve kept them when they had to break girls’ hearts. Teenage boys are tender, sweet, and so brave. They need boundaries, guidelines, toughness, tenderness, and grace. But our job as parents is not to teach endless lessons and harp on what they’re not doing, but to listen, love, and not take things personally. Give them time and continue to pray for them daily. Together, we can raise the next generation of kings!
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.