This post is about the best marriage advice: a humorous look at commitment.
My parents divorced when I was three months old. Don’t worry; this isn’t a sad blog post… quite the contrary. Please stick with me.
My mom remarried the most remarkable, patient man when I was seven. Not only did he take on a single mom of two, but he also stepped into the role of “Dad” for my brother and me. And to our benefit, this gem of a man is HILARIOUS!
As a teenager, I was not too fond of his humor. I wanted everything to be dramatic when I was 14, yet he always seemed to have a smirk, not taking anything seriously.
But fast-forward, that humorous, light-hearted outlook is a gift that significantly impacted who I am today. It also influenced how I process trials and serious issues… including my marriage.
Why Humor Is Vital in a Marriage
Before we jump into this fantastic and humorous advice I have for you, let’s first talk about why taking a light-hearted approach to commitment is vital. But wait, don’t read that the wrong way. Of course, commitment to your spouse and your vows are serious. They are THE MOST critical promises you will keep. However, sometimes, adding a little humor to your marriage is necessary to relieve the pressure that builds up over time.
But Why Is There So Much Bad Marriage Advice Out There?
Once you’re married, people will give you advice, even when you don’t ask for it… Wait, I need to correct that… People are always excited to give their advice, especially when you don’t ask for it. The thing with advice is that it’s usually well-intentioned, but far from useful. Furthermore, people have been sharing marriage advice for centuries, and as our world and society change, so do our expectations and roles within the unity of marriage.
Although, after 27 years of marriage, I’ve noticed a trend in the advice we receive. Currently, in society, everything is polarized. You either hate something, or you love it. You either agree wholeheartedly or vehemently disagree. At least, that’s what the media and politicians want us to believe. But I don’t see it this way. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle.
OK, Jen, but what does this have to do with well-intentioned marriage advice? Here’s what I mean… Anytime you read advice, satire or not, sometimes a string of truth is hidden at its nucleus. In other words, some counsel may seem outdated, outlandish, and old-fashioned at first, yet it might hold some truth that you can apply. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but here’s my advice:
Don’t take marriage advice so seriously! Lighten up! Have fun! And for the love, please don’t choose to be offended.
How and When to Apply the Best Marriage Advice: A Humorous Look at Commitment
Of course, you can borrow some of these for a toast at your best friend’s wedding this summer. Or, you can use them to write on your nephew’s wedding card when you’re at a loss for words.
On the other hand, you can write these on sticky notes around the house to remind your spouse that you still love to have fun with him. Or you can write them in your journal and remember not to take life too seriously.
If you decide to utilize these humorous tidbits of ridiculous advice, this post is a reminder that life-long marriage is meant to be filled with laughter, smiles, and a lot of bantering.
The Best Marriage Advice: A Humorous Look at Commitment
The Clothes Come off When You Fight.
Next time you feel things heating up in an argument, start taking your clothes off. You’ll be distracted, laugh quite a bit, and you might get a little frisky. Undoubtedly, you’ll both forget why you were fighting in the first place!
Have You Heard of the Bean Jar?
Every time you have sex for the first year of your marriage, put a bean in the jar. Then, after your first anniversary, take a bean from the jar whenever you have sex. Watch how long it takes to get rid of the beans.
It’s All About the Food
Even though it might seem stupid or childish, “food” can improve things. So, in case of a fight, feed each other and offer some chocolates, chicken wings, or pizza! In addition, it’s challenging to keep arguing when you have food in your mouth!
Keep the In-Laws’ Names Out of Your Freaking Mouth. (Sorry, Will Smith, I Had To.)
DO NOT try to teach your spouse a lesson by calling them by their parents’ names. Trust me; you will want to at some point in your marriage. I have made that mistake. Let’s say there is something you mutually agree is frustrating and annoying about your mother-in-law. And then you find your spouse doing that exact thing… It’s natural to want to convict them with a little extra sting… “OK, Trudy (Pretend MIL)… you’re right, that neighbor’s yard IS unkept.” But this is neither an effective nor healthy way to call your spouse out. Instead, let the moment pass (along with any emotions attached) and discuss it after a few glasses of wine while casually walking by him in lingerie.
Who’s Up for a Challenge?
Whenever you want your spouse to do something for you, challenge him by saying that the task is beyond his abilities. It is one way of triggering an individual’s ego, and even if not wholeheartedly, he will do the job anyway. In the end, that’s what you wanted. Right?
The To-Do List
Make a list of things you want your husband to do, then rip it up. Afterward, hire an expert.
Unconditional Date Night
Tell your spouse how good their sweat smells and how hot they are when they are un-showered and in sweatpants. Then, ask them if they want to go to Walmart on a special date night.
When the Baby Is Crying
It’s kind and ambitious to want to split the nighttime routine and take turns feeding the baby. But it’s best to act like you’re sleeping and can’t hear the baby crying. Eventually, your spouse will give up trying to wake you up on your shift, and in a moment of frustration, they’ll handle it themselves. It may require a conversation during the day, but please refer to the above advice about removing your clothes when fighting. It should work smashingly in this context.
Reward Good Behavior
Let’s see if my mom reads my blog posts. This is a true story and a phrase I always heard as a child… Whenever my mom wanted my dad to do something, she would finish the request with a promise: “If you clean out the garage, I’ll make it worth your while!” So yes, consistently reward good behavior.
Chewing in Your Ear
When your husband is chewing loudly, smile, blink your eyes twice, tighten your lips, widen your stare, and make sure he knows he’s one bite away from being murdered. You will prolong your husband’s life the sooner you implement this practice.
When You’re in the Mood
When the stars are aligned, and you want to get frisky… your husband lets out a stinky fart (it happens a lot when they don’t have a stomach); make sure you tell him it’s just too bad. “Tonight was the night I would pull out all the stops and let my inhibitions fly. But because I’m now lying in a bedroom that wreaks of sewage and our bedspread feels like a green, toxic cloud, the moment has passed.” Pun totally intended.
Always Shower Before Sexy Time
Unless it’s a spontaneous quicky, always shower before having sexy time with your husband. You never want to risk having residual toilet paper shreds in your booty crack when you play like 2 LiveCrew with your face down and a- – up! (My 90s girls will get it…)
Humorous Marriage Advice
This collection of advice printed in either newspapers or books is hilarious and a look into the profound changes our society has experienced.
Make Yourself Presentable
“Nothing appeals more to a man than immaculate cleanliness. A stunning beauty, who looks even slightly soiled, will lose out every time to her plain-faced sister so pleasing to the senses … Here are a few little things that greatly lessen a woman’s charm in most men’s eyes:
Red hands or arms.
Finger nails too highly polished or shaped like swords.
Fat women with bobbed hair.
Hair that is ‘doctored’ in any way.
Cheap perfumes.
Whiney voices.
Giggling.
Earrings like chandeliers.
This should be enough to start you thinking along the right lines.”
This Passion Called Love by Elinor Glyn (1925)
In the Bedroom
“At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.”
From a text entitled Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride, 1894
“That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink. And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.”
Her Sex and Love Life by Dr. William Josephus Robinson (1917)
“Now, if you are one of those frigid or sexually anesthetic women, don’t be in a hurry to inform your husband about it. To the man it makes no difference in the pleasurableness of the act whether you are frigid or not unless he knows that you are frigid. And he won’t know unless you tell him, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Heed this advice. It has saved thousands of women from trouble.”
Her Sex and Love Life by Dr. William Josephus Robinson (1917)
The Consequence of Nagging
“I verily believe that the happiness of homes is destroyed more frequently by the habit of nagging than by any other one. A man may stand that sort of thing (nagging) for a long time, but the chances are against his standing it permanently. If he needs peace to make life bearable, he will have to look for it elsewhere than in his own house. And it is quite likely that he will look.”
Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage, Reverend Alfred Henry Tyrer (1951)
After a Long Day at Work
“Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.”
From The Good Wife’s Guide, an American home economics book from the ’50s which is actually thought to be fake
“Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison.”
From Edward Podolsky’s Sex Today in Wedded Life (1947)
“Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.”
From The Good Wife’s Guide
Let Him Have a Little Fun
“But in case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband—there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better—make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.”
Her Sex and Love Life by Dr. William Josephus Robinson (1917)
Humorous Marriage Advice Quotes and Memes
Math is super simple after marriage. For example, if you have $20 and your wife has $5, she has $25.
A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos simultaneously.
Find out what annoys your spouse and stop doing that.
Hold your wife’s hand in the mall because if you let her go, she’ll start shopping. It looks Romantic, but it’s Economics.
Whenever you talk to your wife, you should always remind yourself: “This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”
My husband thinks I’m crazy, but I’m not the one who married me.
If you fail initially, try doing it as your wife told you.
Never laugh at your wife’s choices; you were one of them.
Before you marry a person, you should make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft
“You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… husband!” — Bill Maher
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
My prince is not coming on a white horse… He’s obviously riding a turtle, and definitely lost.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
“A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.” — Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: I’ll do the dishes.” — Anonymous
“Marry a man your age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
“Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park!” — Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
“A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” — Michel de Montaigne
“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.” — Anonymous
“Marriages are made in heaven. But so, again, are thunder and lightning.” — Clint Eastwood
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.” — Benjamin Franklin
“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” — Joyce Brothers
Behind every angry woman stands a man with no idea what he did wrong.
When a woman says, “WHAT?” it’s not because she didn’t hear you; she’s giving you a chance to change what you said.
The Best Marriage Advice: A Humorous Look at Commitment
Take it or leave it… this is a collection of advice from our diverse experts and voices over the years. When given advice, ask yourself: “Does this make sense? Will my husband be OK with it? Am I OK with it? Will it strengthen my marriage? And is it sustainable? If the answer is no… laugh and remember not to take life and marriage too seriously!
This post was about the best marriage advice: a humorous look at commitment.
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.