Hiking Alone for Mother’s Day: Raw Musings on Motherhood

Mother’s Day.

Pastel cards and bright flowers scatter the stores for last-minute efforts to shower moms with tokens of appreciation.

Mother’s Day is supposed to be the one day a year we are acknowledged as mothers.

But why do I feel so despondent this year? Why does it feel like one of the most sad Mother’s Days in a long time?

Chalk it up to a cocktail of equal parts pre-menopause hormones, an ever-changing-partially empty nest, and my 48th birthday.

But the question is ever present…

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Early Visions and Dreams as a Young Mother

When we were pregnant with our oldest, we had visions of what our family would look like. Andy and I wanted a big family where beautiful chaos reigned, and the house burst at the seams. We wanted our children to always have someone to be there for them.

We pictured ourselves gathered around the dining table, playing games and laughing. I could smell the home-cooked meals I would joyfully prepare, and we would talk over each other about the exciting things that transpired in our day. (Sigh…)

I knew our children would grow up to be exceptional, healthy adults. They would never have the trauma I suffered as a child.

I knew my children would have minimal trials because we would raise them in a stable environment centered around God. (Oh my.)

But as time went on…

Babies turned into toddlers.

Toddlers turned into kids.

Kids turned into tweens.

Tweens turned into teens.

And teens turned into adults…

Women are Society’s Shock Absorbers

We are society’s shock absorbers. Did you know that 80% of autoimmune sufferers are women? Yes, ladies, we are absorbing our family’s and society’s emotions and burdens. And we’re paying a price for it.

Was my weepiness the week leading up to Mother’s Day a hormonal imbalance or lack of self-care?

Or is it happening?

Is this when I finally snap and lose my mind? (I’ve been known to wonder that a time or two.)

Or is there some hidden pain that is coming to the surface?

Or is it all of the above?

As I began my coaching career and the accompanying training on healing emotions—sitting with your feelings, processing them, and releasing them—I realized I never allowed myself to heal truly.

 

Healing is a Never-Ending Journey

There is immense power in expressing the pain and hurt you’ve experienced and having someone hold the capacity for that. We don’t need to share our sadness with the expectation of someone else fixing it. Sometimes, just having our experiences validated is all we need.

As I walked with my clients while they processed pain, anger, and sadness day after day, I began to understand there was more healing available for me as well.

I had to fight the feeling that I must have it all figured out as a coach. My marriage and healing should be complete and final… only smooth sailing ahead of us. (Lies.)

When I look at the last decade of motherhood and marriage, I went from one fighting season to the next, never allowing myself to fully process the painful anchor points that shifted my soul.

The Ever-Revolving Nest of Motherhood

Watching your first two children leave the nest is something nobody can prepare you for. I thought I’d be ready to kick them out, but the process feels more like someone ripped your heart out and stomped on it.

When I saw my first child fly out, I questioned everything I did as a mother. I started my motherhood journey with so much energy, wanting to do it all perfectly and never wanting to let them down.

Yet, I fell short night after night as my head hit the pillow. I constantly felt like I could never mother right, wife right, daughter right, sister right, or friend right.

I replayed moments I should have handled with more grace. Confusion often flooded my mind about whether I was too strict or not strict enough. 

The comparison trap kidnapped my joy more than I’d like to admit.

I wondered why other moms seemed to have better-behaved children than mine.

Do other boys climb the stone columns outside the grocery store?

Are all boys so destructive? Have I failed to teach them to value things?

And I just knew my middle son would lead a mass movement for Christ or be in jail. (The jury is still out.) 

Does every mother have to repeatedly tell her teenagers to put their laundry away, do their chores, and get off their phones?

One evening, I exclaimed, “I did NOT carry all five of you for nine months for THIS!”

See?

Mother of the Year.

I saw my visions slowly fade and questioned my ability to raise “normal” healthy humans because Lord knows I was far from it. Motherhood reminded me of that daily.

The Constant Questioning and Guilt of Motherhood

Self-deprecation can be powerfully destructive. And the constant doubting is exhausting.

The exhaustion accumulates, and we lose steam.

We lose steam at the end of the day.

We lose steam at the end of the week.

We lose steam at the end of the month.

We lose steam after every year.

And the guilt.

I felt guilty when I wanted to work.

I felt guilty when I wanted to play with my kids.

I felt guilty when I didn’t provide enough for my kids.

I felt guilty when I didn’t know how to show up for them.

I see their addiction to phones, and I blame myself.

But when I see the exceptional qualities they developed and the depth of their character, I know it’s by the grace of God and entirely despite me.

What Do You Want for Mother’s Day?

I’m tired.

I’ve been fighting to hold everything together for three decades.

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

I want to cry, be alone, have someone clean my house, and…

…have someone else decide what we’re doing for Mother’s Day.

I don’t want my kids to feel obligated or guilted into having to celebrate me. I want it to flow effortlessly out of gratitude.

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

I want to feel normal.

I want to feel good enough.

I want to know that my kids will be OK.

A New Season of Transformation and Healing

Learning to soften your heart and sit with your feelings is scarier than expected. In a sense, it’s easier not to feel and be a bit of a cold b-tch than to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Becoming healthy can feel like a form of self-betrayal. That fighter spirit has protected me and saved my family. Without it, I wouldn’t have survived the childhood abuse, trials, betrayals, and losses life threw my way.

But softening does feel like a betrayal to that wounded child, who stays safe by not taking time to feel or allow others in. This is a very lonely place to be, which is at the heart of my coaching. My heart breaks for others in that same hopeless and helpless space I have occupied for decades. I knew I needed to be that place for others to share my story so they knew they weren’t alone. They needed a container of space to share theirs, be heard, and validated. I felt beyond called to empower and equip others to reframe their circumstances.

As I stepped into this new role, I felt my heart soften, and at first, it terrified me because I assumed my work was done: Forgive, start over, work hard on your marriage, and help others do the same.

But I came to realize that I had a lot of pain and hurt that I never acknowledged or expressed.

As I leaned into my Primal Question and highest emotional need for safety (Q1 – Am I Safe?), it was clear that I excelled at creating that safe place for others. That’s the beauty of our Primal Question: we become experts in it. But instead of finding that safe place for myself, I created safety via unhealthy means of surviving, fighting, and pushing through.

There comes a time when you need to stop surviving and allow yourself to feel—a time when you allow yourself to heal.

Healing is not a three-week or three-month process but a lifelong process.

So this is me softening; this is me being vulnerable.

This is me, also scared that I’m not meeting everyone’s expectations.

The Importance of Healing and Self-Care in Motherhood

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

I honestly want to be alone. I want to come home to a clean house.

This year, I don’t want all of my kids attending church dressed in clothes that feel like masks of who they are… to take an obligatory picture with me. I don’t want flowers, chocolate, or forced gratitude gifts. I’d rather stick hot pokers in my eyes than fight the crowds at the popular brunch restaurant for endless mimosas. OK… wait, the mimosas sound good. Can I get those to go?

As I entertain the idea of being alone, immediate guilt floods my body. No good mother would want to leave her children on Mother’s Day. And no good daughter would leave her mother on Mother’s Day.

Is it wrong for me to want to be alone?

Is this selfish?

Deconstructing the habitual negative thought patterns that are destructive to our spirit is no easy process.

My clients have a safe space to be heard and are no longer afraid to sit with their emotions and express them. As I reflect on each of their journeys and witness their healing, I realize that I need to do this for myself as well.

Healing is messy, and transformation is not easy. In addition, healing and transforming while raising teenagers is even more challenging. But those five souls deserve a mother who never stops growing and healing. I need to deprogram long-held beliefs for them and my husband.

Resentment, Marriage, and Motherhood

What do I want for Mother’s Day?

I want to hike alone and come home to a clean house. 

That’s it.

Yes, that’s precisely what I want.

The night before Mother’s Day, I opened up my long-held pain and resentment to my husband.

RESENTMENT

We fight so hard to keep our family together without really acknowledging the hurt and pain that has built up.

Resentment quietly builds pressure underneath the surface, boiling over occasionally like the smelly hot pots in Yellowstone. Let’s face it: Resentment in action is smelly and lethal. 

RESENTMENT

I was terrified that my husband didn’t have the capacity to hold these feelings for me. In the past, with his depression, he didn’t have the emotional bandwidth, and I was left exposed, adding salt to my wounds.

But I knew that constant underlying resentment was contributing to my current mental state. (Along with going to bed too late, not exercising, too many glasses of wine, and not getting fresh air.)

Could he handle my pain without getting defensive?

Could he sit with it and not want to fix it?

Turns out, the answer is yes!

The answer is a BIG, BEAUTIFUL YES! And at that moment, in our three decades together, my love for him grew exponentially! Andy is one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever met. It takes a big man to have the emotional capacity to hold me, listen, and validate the depth of pain I experienced because of his choices a decade prior. — A man who has done endless inner healing work for which I am forever grateful and now get to benefit from.

 

A Mother’s Day to Remember

The alarm went off, and I woke up feeling free yet still nervous with a tinge of guilt. A handwritten note from my 20-year-old was on the kitchen counter, instantly bringing me to tears.

“Happy Mother’s Day! I hope your hike is good. We all love and appreciate you. Even though sometimes it feels like we don’t, we recognize your passion and hard work. Thanks for being a loving, caring, and supportive mom. We couldn’t ask for anything better. Thanks for always being there and putting up with all of us.”

That was it. I didn’t need to go hiking. That was all I needed. His precious words filled my entire soul.

As moms, we’re not that complicated. A few words and a little time devoted to showing appreciation are all we need. We don’t need fancy cards or flowers; we just want to be seen occasionally.

Take a Hike

During the hour-long drive to the trailhead, I treated myself to a latte and blasted worship music. The tears began to flow and didn’t stop until I reached my destination. It was an ugly cry—yet another cathartic, required release of feelings. If we don’t feel our emotions, they get trapped in our bodies. We must feel it ALL to heal it.

As I put one foot in front of the other for eight miles, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I loved my family and how proud I was of my children. They are the hardest-working and kind people I know.

More tears.

Thank you, God, for giving me life to the fullest and your son as my ride-or-die.

With each step, GRATITUDE filled my heart.

How did I get so blessed with these five exceptional humans I am honored to guide?

More tears.

What did I do to deserve the perfect partner in life?

More GRATITUDE.

How did I end up with the most beautiful, brave clients?

GRATITUDE consumes me.

Soaking my achy post-hike feet in the cold river, I feel like the most blessed woman and mom for having a family who supports my desire to be alone and recalibrate.

I also feel incredibly grateful for a mom who understands it as well.

During the drive home, I took my time on back roads, soaking in the breathtaking mountainous backdrop we get to call home. I blasted Eminem, Eve, and Ice Cube, dancing like nobody was watching. 

Today was a good day.

Here’s to Reframing via Hiking

When I walked in the door, blissfully exhausted, I was greeted by a freshly cleaned house and steak on the BBQ. We ate outside, talked over each other about the exciting things that transpired in our day, and continued the chaos by the bonfire.

Our home is bursting at the seams, and so is my heart.

Here’s to reframing in fresh air and nature.

Here’s to spending time journaling.

Here’s to not staying up late, thinking it’s healthy alone time.

Here’s to not skipping walks and workouts because we’re too tired.

Here’s to continually loving and wholly accepting who we are.

Here’s to extending grace, patience, and forgiveness to our partners.

Here’s to humbly asking for forgiveness.

Here’s to becoming our healthiest versions and making daily choices to reinforce that.

To my fellow moms:

I see you, and I know you’re tired.

I know you have hidden pain and resentment.

I know you doubt your parenting decisions.

I know you feel like you’re failing.

I know you compare yourself to others.

But I see you, and you’re doing a fantastic job!

Remember to prioritize self-care, spend time alone, and nurture your well-being so you can continue to share your unique gifts and bright light with your family and the world.

Happy Mother’s Day!!

A Note on Healing Resentment

Acknowledge it.

Be wildly curious about it.

Explore it deeper.

Give it a space to be validated.

I know it’s scary.

However, hidden resentment prevents you from experiencing healthy relationships with your spouse and children.

It is also a significant barrier against true, uninhibited intimacy.

Yes, it’s scary to be vulnerable.

Yes, it would be easier to settle for how things are.

But I know that’s not what you want.

This is the healing work of marriage and resentment. 

Express to your spouse how much you need them to hold space for you and your desire to do the same for them. Have the tough conversations now to begin your healing journey toward the marriage you’ve always wanted.

If you’re curious about your Primal Question, take the free assessment HERE. Discovering the hidden forces that drive everything you do is a powerful step toward your transformation!