Get Passion Back Into Your Marriage: 21 Simple Ways

Is your marriage lacking passion? It’s okay, friend. You’re not alone. I’m so excited to share with you 21 simple ways to get passion back into your marriage.

When I was first married, my husband was so quiet. I found it mysterious and attractive. It was challenging to get to know him, and hardly anyone had the opportunity to do so.

That mysteriousness fueled my passion. Wow, did we have chemistry! Furthermore, sex was a novel experience for us as a couple. Exploring each other’s bodies and getting acquainted with every part of our being, physically and emotionally, was exciting for us. Something about newness, freshness, and unfamiliarity feeds passion between two people. Additionally, midterms and our $400 rent per month were our biggest stressors as a young married couple.

The situation, however, evolves and changes naturally over time, as couples mature and grow. Moreover, nothing in this world stands still. There’s either growth or decline in your marriage, as well as passion.

What Is Passion in a Marriage?

Wikipedia defines passion as a feeling of intense enthusiasm toward or compelling desire for someone or something, ranging from the admiration of an idea, an enthusiastic enjoyment of an activity, or a strong romantic/sexual desire for another person.

Passion in marriage reminds me of a fire. In Montana, camping is one of our favorite “vacations.” And sitting around a fire is one of our favorite things to do while camping. When the boys were young, we taught them how to start a fire. To begin, you’ll need kindling, such as newspaper, wood chips, etc. In general, a small spark is all that is needed to ignite kindling, which eventually becomes a roaring bonfire. Starting a fire is typically more difficult than maintaining one once it has reached its peak. As a matter of fact, starting a fire takes more energy than keeping the flames burning. Neglecting the fire, however, will result in its death.

According to researchers quoted by Newsweek magazine, married couples have sex an average of just over 68 times per year, or just slightly more than one time per week. Other researchers have put the number as closer to 58 times per year, still slightly more than once per week.

Why Marriages Lose Passion

Neglect isn’t the only thing that creeps into every marriage. Eventually, bills, jobs, kids, and life also add water to the fire. In some seasons, we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. Evidently, many couples accept this as normal, based on social media and conversations with other wives.

A marriage that’s lost its passion is probably because one or both of you quit putting in the effort. Creating a passionate marriage that endures the test of time takes work, commitment, and intentionality. Despite the challenges, passionate marriages do exist.

Creating a passionate marriage that endures the test of time takes work, commitment, and intentionality. Despite the challenges, passionate marriages do exist.

Life changes such as having a baby, getting a new job, or moving to a new city can be difficult to navigate for couples.

For instance, the process of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and bringing a child into the world leaves you feeling exhausted. Both the mother and father are dealing with sleepless nights, hormones, and the stress of new roles.

Ladybird Magazine reported that many of its readers put “lack of time” as the number one reason they were not having sex as frequently as they once did or would prefer. Their respondents cited childrearing, housework, secular careers, paying the bills, and everyday chores such as these taking precedence over sexual activity.

Signs Your Marriage Is Losing Passion

You may be losing passion in your marriage if you see these signs:

– The two of you rarely communicate. Communication between couples varies, but if you don’t know what’s happening in your partner’s career, friendships, or family relationships, you may have some catching up to do.

– It’s clear that you don’t trust each other. While some jealousy is healthy, it’s never healthy when it consumes your thoughts and actions. It is imperative that you address your broken relationship as soon as possible if you are constantly suspicious of your partner’s motivations or whereabouts.

– You argue more often than normal. Often, simple conversations turn into arguments. Both of you get defensive quickly and misinterpret everything. It may be tempting to always want to be right and to sometimes hurt each other with your words.

– Spending time together is rare. It’s healthy to spend time apart from each other, but when you spend more time apart than together, that’s a red flag. Sleeping in separate rooms is another sign that it’s time to learn how to spark your relationship.

Experts define a sexless marriage as a relationship wherein the couple has sex no more than 10 times in any given year, or less than once per month.

Is it possible to rebuild passion back into your marriage?

Lately, I’ve noticed an alarming number of comments on our TikTok videos about marriage that tout the concept of soulmates, “meant to be,” and “true love.” These beliefs can be dangerous for a few reasons. Throughout Disney’s movies, we’ve been taught that “true love” is effortless and centered around that one person we’re meant to be with. A romantic fairy tale never depicts the stresses of pregnancy, bills, and mortgage payments. Couples give up and move on when they no longer feel love and passion. Love is a beautiful and powerful emotion, but it’s not disposable.

We’ve learned from Disney movies that something too difficult isn’t meant to be.

If you are wondering if it is possible to rekindle the passion in your marriage, then the answer is an unequivocal YES! Andy and I have experienced the result of REFRAMING the lack of passion in our marriage. You can bring back the spark in your marriage when you put the work into your relationship and follow some of the simple steps I’ve listed below.

21 Ways to Ignite Passion into Your Marriage

1. Stop trying to change your husband Yikes! We began with a doozy. When we meet our husbands for the first time, we’re drawn to their true selves. Gradually, we begin to want them to change. As an example, I was attracted to Andy’s quiet nature, but after one year of marriage, he didn’t talk much, and it started to drive me crazy. When I fully embraced who he was and saw how his quietness complimented me, not only did he feel more respected, but I also started to feel attracted to him again.

2. Communication The rule we follow is 15 minutes per day. Make sure you give each other at least 15 minutes of your undivided attention every day.

3. Date weekly No matter how old our kids are, we’ve always made an effort to have a weekly date night. Remember to put away your phones and pay attention to each other. Additionally, we made it a rule never to speak about the children. There is no need to spend a lot of money on these dates. Take a drive, have a picnic, or walk along the river. Alternatively, you can tell the kids to leave you alone in your bedroom by locking the door. With teenagers, this works, but obviously not with toddlers.

4. Be adventurous and do something you love to do as a couple When it comes to your marriage, it’s easy to fall into a rut or a routine. Invest time in doing things you both enjoy doing together.

5. Learn each other’s love languages Take Gary Chapman’s Love Language quiz together. Your marriage depends on you learning how your spouse feels loved. You can read more about the five love languages here.

6. Be wildly curious about your husband Offer a space for them to be heard by asking questions. Find out what motivates them and what frustrates them. We never remain married to the same person because we constantly change and evolve. As we mature, our likes and dislikes change. You will fall in love with your husband all over again as you learn how he has changed. My love for Andy is based on who he is TODAY, but I wouldn’t know who he is if I wasn’t wildly curious about him.

7. Be honest about trust issues Lack of trust is the greatest obstacle to true intimacy. There is a wedge created between two people when neither is being truthful. It’s vital to have difficult conversations and seek therapy whenever necessary. Furthermore, if trust issues remain unresolved, your marriage will not be able to experience true intimacy and passion.

Your marriage will continue to be blocked from true intimacy and passion if trust issues remain unresolved.

8. Leave love notes for each other in the morning There is no need to make these notes lengthy or wordy. Adding a small message to a sticky note can have an incredible impact. In addition to leaving a legacy of love for your kids, these notes can rekindle the passion in your marriage.

9. Make a list of things you are grateful for in your husband During our lowest point, I began listing and speaking about what I appreciated about Andy. Over the course of a couple of months, my heart opened up to him, and I found myself thinking about him more and more throughout the day. If you struggle with where to get started, use these gratitude prompts.

10. Compromise Learning how to compromise in your relationship is something you should do sooner rather than later. This skill can be useful in various situations, from planning vacations to solving intimacy problems. And it also means doing it all without hurting feelings or pushing each other away.

“Compromise is coming together and finding a solution agreeable to both parties,” says Jonathan Bennett, a relationship and dating expert. “It shows that the relationship itself is more important than being ‘right’ all of the time or always getting your way.”

Why do we fight for things that won’t matter in five years? It’s more important to be compassionate and compromise than to be right.

11. Look through old photos and home videos together A trip down memory lane stirs your heart in a special way. You can easily be blinded by your current circumstances and forget the vision you once shared as a couple.

12. Defuse the tension with humor Work through your conflicts instead of avoiding them out of fear. Your relationship with your husband will grow and become more intimate when you have a healthy conflict. The key is to address the issues before they spiral out of control. Making faces, dancing silly, and flashing him are some of the ways I surprise him. LOL! Tension builds up like a pressure cooker, but with a tap of the vent, you can relieve the build-up, allowing you to focus on what matters.

13. Remember you’re on the same team We often get caught up in the fight mentality, forgetting to fight for the right things. It’s wise to take a step back and remember you’re fighting for each other, not against each other. You’re both on the same team. Currently, a great deal of pressure is exerted against marriages. There is an enemy who does not want you to have a strong marriage. It will be his constant goal to steal, kill, and destroy healthy families. It is not a fight between you two. Don’t forget that.

Your fight is not against each other.

14. Go to bed at the same time It is likely that you and your spouse differ in many ways, just as Andy and I do. My husband is an early bird, and I am a night owl. But I noticed something that was deteriorating our passion. Eventually, I got into the habit of staying up a bit later than him. To justify it, I used to say that I needed a “buffer.” That is, I needed an hour to be alone without him or the kids. The need for alone time is expected and acceptable. However, when I saw communication diminishing and a wedge forming, I knew I needed to go to bed around the same time. My fight against it isn’t flawless. Even now and then, I still stay up late to cherish my alone time. Nevertheless, I try to go to bed at the same time every night, even if he snores, and I read my book for another hour afterward. The feeling of closing out the day together is special. In addition, we make love more often at night, and I sleep better as a result! Win-win! Speaking of bedtime…

15. Put the phones away Let me paint you a picture. When we were newlyweds in 1995, the stress of the day caused us to feel irritable, impatient, and out of sync. We had to face each other and talk about our day. In 2022, it is too easy to go to sleep scrolling mindlessly on separate smartphones, avoiding talking and being present with one another.

16. Offer a space to be heard Taking out your frustrations on your spouse is easy when you are having a bad day. Instead, unplug from your phone at the end of the day and be completely present. Make sure you are the safest place for each other’s souls by being intentional about it. Offering a space to be heard is a beautiful way to get passion back into your marriage.

Be intentional about being the safest place for each other’s souls.

17. Go on a scavenger hunt Recently, I was reminded of the value and power of a successful scavenger hunt. One of my dear friends’ husbands planned a fun hunt for her in North Carolina. Mind you, they both work full-time and homeschool their two sons. (No excuses, friend!) It began in the building where she bought her wedding dress. She was texted to look in the bag after he left something in the car. The package contained a pair of earbuds with instructions on how to use them. She then received a prerecorded message discussing their love story and taking her on a tour of downtown. Their tour ended at the restaurant they love, where he was waiting for her. I mean, really! Isn’t that precious? However, before you think your husband won’t do that, think again. You can start planning a scavenger hunt for him!

18. Make sex a priority This seems like a given, but science has shown that 12% of married couples haven’t had sex for at least three months. The dry spell is real, but for some, it’s a desert storm. More than 6% of married women say it’s been over a year since they have had sex with their spouse. (Experts define a sexless marriage as having sex no more than 10 times in any given year, or less than once per month.)

Less than half of women want regular sex after four years of marriage.

It also has shown that less than half of women want regular sex after four years of marriage. But that doesn’t mean we’re doomed. Even though only 48% of married women want regular sex after four years, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Scientists recently found that, when you control for age, couples who are married longer actually become more likely to be sexually active. Bottom line: Get over the post-honeymoon hump, and things are likely to be even more intimate. If you’re not convinced, take a look at these surprising benefits of sex in marriage.

19. Change up your Sex Life Maybe you’ve stayed consistent in your sex life, and you need to spice things up. Take a look at these 25 ways to spice up your lovemaking. Just be warned, these are not for everyone!

20. Work on you That’s right, I said it. After six pregnancies, five babies, and nursing for over 12 years, my body, and confidence have waned. If there is one destroyer of passion in your marriage that you can control, it is your lack of confidence. If I am struggling with low self-esteem, feeling self-conscious about my body, and feeling “fat,” I push my husband away because I don’t feel pretty, and I don’t want him to touch me. Our minds begin to believe lies when we sit in them, and then we act on those lies. Do you remember when I said the enemy wants to destroy marriages and families? One of the most effective ways to accomplish this is through those lies. Confidence is an extremely attractive and sexy quality. My body looked different when we first got married, before we had children. Nevertheless, I was very insecure and struggled with all the things a young bride struggles with. My confidence was low. Now? Despite being 20 pounds heavier, I’m more confident than ever (I still have icky days), and my husband can’t stop touching me. No matter how our bodies look, being confident and holding our heads high is an energy that attracts our husbands. Whenever you can be completely uninhibited in your intimacy with your husband, you offer a haven for him (and yourself). Therefore, do whatever it takes to improve yourself. Rather than bringing your insecurities into your marriage, work through them.

Sometimes, all it takes is practicing some self-care habits.

21. Do not compare to other couples Every marriage is unique. Inadvertently, we set our husbands up for failure by falling into the comparison trap. Likewise, we put ourselves at risk of disappointment.

Keep Passion in Your Marriage

In this post, we’ve discussed 21 simple ways to get passion back into your marriage. It is possible to rekindle the spark that once burned within you. And in our experience, you can experience an even hotter burn. One final tip: Pray for passion in your marriage.

Our passion flatlined ten years ago. By flatlined, I mean it had no pulse. Furthermore, I felt empty and without any love for my husband. As I worked on myself, I prayed every day for my attraction to him. As I said, I didn’t feel anything when I looked at him. Wait, no…l did feel something; it was disdain. It was that serious. Over time, I began to notice a spark simmering in my belly as we consistently prayed for our marriage and worked on ourselves. I’ll never forget when I walked into the basement and saw him working out. In my stomach, I felt a butterfly flutter. HAHAHAHA! It may sound crazy, but if you know, you know. Deep in my heart, I felt a pilot light burning. On the following day, the flame was a bit higher. There was a fire and then a roaring blaze the following month. The reason I am sharing this with you is that I was surprised by it. Our marriage was experiencing a miracle of passion. It is God who can do mighty things in your marriage, and He wishes for you to experience passionate, fulfilling intimacy with your husband.

P.S. If you’re ready to implement some sexy date nights, pick up my 6 Sexy Date Night Challenge below!