Raising Teenage Daughters to Be Confident in the Weight Room

This post is about raising teenage daughters to be confident in the weight room.

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When I was pregnant with my first child, I spent a lot of time thinking about our main priorities as parents. What characteristics do we want our children to possess, and how will we instill those values?

Confidence.

Besides encouraging our kids to have a genuine relationship with God, there was also a deep desire to raise confident children. Unfortunately, as a teenager, I was anything but assured. My lack of confidence was an identity issue (more on that later), which resulted in many unwise choices and pain throughout high school.

As we dive into raising teenage daughters to be confident in the weight room, remember these tips apply to all areas of raising teenagers… Not just girls and not just in the weight room.

Raising Teenage Daughters to Be Confident in the Weight Room Starts With Us

Storytime…

It was 1994, and I was 17 years old. I was dating my husband, Andy, a high school and college athlete who grew up in the gym. Me? I grew up in dance studios and never entered a weight room.

He invited me to work out, and I obliged, thinking it would be fun. As we walked into the building, I saw all the beautiful women in biker shorts and sports bras packed into an upper deck of cardio machines. So, I assumed that’s where I belonged, although please don’t confuse “belong” with “fit in” because I certainly did not feel like I fit in.

I watched Andy head to the weight room cluttered with men: short, tall, muscular, sweaty, and loud men. “I’ll just be on the cardio deck while you lift.” He wanted me to join him in lifting weights, but I awkwardly responded, “I’m good,” as my eyes fearfully scanned the crowded cardio deck for an open stair-stepper.

To make matters worse, the feeling of “not fitting in” overtook my senses to the point of quiet tears rolling down my cheeks. I glanced at all the “perfect, perky” girls. I couldn’t help but compare my hair, skin texture, arm definition, and booty. Have I mentioned I grew up in Vegas? This gym was packed with showgirls and strippers. And yes, my “new” boyfriend was a college athlete. So, needless to say, my first experience in the gym was not pleasurable for an insecure 17-year-old.

Looking back, I can now laugh at the irony and ridiculousness of this scenario. I was a 17-year-old who modeled swimwear and danced my whole life! I was cute and naturally fit, but that’s not what I felt or saw in the mirror. So, I can appreciate and empathize with my former insecure teenage self.

Before we dive into raising teenage daughters to be confident in the weight room, take a minute to ask yourself these questions:

What was my teenage experience regarding working out, public gyms, and weight rooms?

How did I feel working out in front of others?

How did I feel about my body?

Confidence Is Caught, Not Taught

I’ve come a long way since our dating gym days. But, unfortunately, it’s taken me years, and I mean YEARS, to develop confidence in and around the weight room. And I certainly didn’t want my teenage daughter to suffer the same insecurity and painful experience I had.

As a 46-year-old woman, I find the weight room and gym to be a source of joy, healing, and happiness. Furthermore, I’ve left a lot of pain, hurt, and frustration on those benches over the years.

Likewise, I’ve discovered that most people in the gym are fighting their own battles. Whether it be marriages, identity, parenting, jobs, or health issues. Yet, with each hammer curl and shoulder press, they work through doubt, loss, and discouragement.

When I look around at the plethora of dumbbells, resistance bands, and barbells, I see the pain everyone is pushing through, and it inspires me to keep going and push a little harder.

Raising Teenage Daughters to be Confident in the Weight Room Requires You to Pay Attention to How You Frame Her Experience

It’s not what you say that will teach your teenager confidence, but what you do. By making critical statements about your body or your abilities, you’re teaching your daughter to do the same. Be careful not to use phrases such as “I feel fat.” or “I’m so out of shape.”

So, how are you talking about your body? How do you feel in the gym? What’s your relationship with food? If you find yourself saying something, even if it’s in your head, that you wouldn’t want your daughter to say to herself, you shouldn’t say it to yourself, either.

“Confidence is not always easy to find. Being the new girl on a team or being in a group often breeds insecurities. I have joined countless teams where I was the new girl, and I was never immune to those feelings of self-doubt.” ― Alex Morgan

Model courage and confidence when faced with new situations, and stress the importance of loving yourself. Share with your teenage daughter situations when you were brave or did things to boost your confidence.

The best gift you can give your teenage daughter is to love yourself and establish a healthy body image and relationship with the gym.

(Don’t stress and feel like you must have this perfect before introducing the weight room to your teenage daughter. You can grow together!)

Identity vs. Self-Esteem

The world is good at telling us we need to have high self-esteem. Unfortunately, I argue with that notion. Focusing on self-esteem comes from us and is centered around what we can do for ourselves. It’s self-centered, meaning it will ebb and flow based on what we’re doing and not doing. It’s based on what we’re thinking and not thinking.

In addition, high self-esteem can be found in what others think of us, which pressures us to portray ourselves in a specific light. It can quickly become an exhausting race of doing and trying to feel a particular way. But, at the end of the day, its significance depends on us.

“𝚆𝚑𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚜 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚟𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚍𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚔𝚎𝚎𝚙 𝚜𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚕𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗.”

Instead, we focus on identity. Our identity is in God… it’s based on who God is and the value He’s placed on us. It’s never-changing and not dependent on what we do, say, or feel. Because of who HE is, our value, worth, and dignity are intact.

Raising teenage daughters to be confident in the weight room requires us to focus on their identity, not self-esteem.

There Is More to Strength Than Just Physical Strength

If our identity comes from God, hasn’t He placed His strength inside each of us? If we’re not tapping into that inner strength, we’ll forever seek power in other, more superficial ways.

In fact, real strength has nothing to do with how much muscle mass you have or how many reps you do in the weight room. In contrast, real strength is derived from within.

Having well-defined abs or doing a pull-up will not help you deal with difficult circumstances in life. Instead, you navigate challenging experiences by tapping into the strength God has placed in you.

He created your daughter with unique abilities and talents, and it’s your job to help her identify those and celebrate and strengthen them.

“True strength comes from the inside…from knowing and loving yourself the way you really are.” — Former professional boxer and personal trainer Cristy “Code Red” Nickel.

Encourage your teenage daughter to celebrate her differences—whether that’s skills and abilities on and off sports fields. We have a beautiful window in time to help her develop healthy habits and build a strength base, not try to get ripped.

Raising Teenage Daughters to Be Confident in the Weight Room Requires Us to Talk About Gym Anxiety

Clearly, my 17-year-old self experienced some gym anxiety. And even though now, thirty years later, I’m incredibly comfortable in the weight room and find it healing, I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that sometimes that anxiety creeps back in.

For example, if I take time off, gain weight, or become sick, I can sometimes revert to being more self-conscious as I step back into the gym. But I’ve quickly learned to put those thoughts in check and replace them with the truth. The truth that our value lies in who God is and the worth He’s placed on us. The truth that everyone at the gym is fighting some battle and most likely not looking at us like we think they are.

Six Tips to Alleviate Weight Room Anxiety

1. Find a safe and welcoming gym.

There are different types of gyms, and if you feel like you belong to one that makes you feel out of place, regardless of what you do, it may be time to find a new one. Do people monopolize the equipment, or are they politely working with each other’s sets? Is there a diverse array of bodies, skill levels, and ages? When re-racking plates, do individuals do it themselves or leave it to the next person? There will always be creeps wherever you go, but some places are better than others.

2. Have a plan.

Not having a plan while wandering around the weight room only heightens the feeling of not belonging (or feeling everyone is staring at you). I found a life-saving tool my daughter and I use to take the confusion and guesswork out of our workouts. It’s called the MyQFit App*, and it empowers her to walk into the weight room with a plan confidently. The programs use standard gym equipment and include step-by-step videos for each exercise. They provide proven, professional workout programs for your fitness and skill level. I love watching my daughter walk into the weight room with her MyQFit App*, and off she goes following her step-by-step workout confidently!

*To get started with the MyQFit App, click on the link and become a preferred customer with ANY product (our favorite is the Q Ultra Greens and Q Ultra Lean Protein Powders. Any purchase gives you the MyQFit App for free for 30 days. Every month you have a subscription for any product, and you’ll get the app for free.

The app is more than just professional workouts to fit your and your daughter’s needs!

Meet the MyQfit App:

• Variety of workout programs
• Instructional videos for every workout
• MyQFIT Meal Method
• Track your progress
• Chat with your Q Sciences team
• Fitness challenges
• Support from MyQFIT Trainers

3. Be Patient and walk Her through the basics.

When my teenage daughter started working out with me, she was 12 years old. I had her hold my phone and read what was next in our set. She became familiar with terms like a deadlift, single leg RDL, goblet squat, walking lunge, lateral raise, bent row, etc. Not only did I show her how the exercise was performed, but I also had her watch the explanation video on the app. I walked her through the weight room and showed her the dumbbells, plates, bands, and grips for pulley systems. I led her through how to wipe the machines off and re-rack weights. Repetition allows your teenage daughter to remember and retain the information longer.

4. Provide wireless earbuds for her music.

Walking around a gym untethered while blasting her playlists helps your daughter feel more confident and keeps her focused.

5. Give your teenage daughter some freedom while providing guidance.

Micromanaging your teenager’s choices is never a good idea and will only reinforce their feelings of inadequacy and mistrust. Balancing the right amount of freedom with plenty of guidance is crucial. At the gym, let her fly. For example, on the days I work out in the morning, and my daughter works out after school, I ensure she has her MyQFit App pulled up and is comfortable with the workout. Typically, I head upstairs to walk the track or work in the lobby. I’m available if she needs me, but she also knows I believe in her ability and trust her to bust it out alone. We must provide plenty of opportunities for our teenage daughters to practice the skills we’ve taught. Let them experience natural consequences, and they’ll learn from their mistakes. With time, their confidence in making healthy choices will grow.

6. Empower her to say “No, Thanks” or ask a gym employee for help.

Men love to give advice. We haven’t run into any issues in our gym, but my daughter is comfortable telling someone “no, thanks” upon receiving unsolicited advice. I’ve also introduced her to a few trainers and trusted friends at the gym, so she knows whom to include if uncomfortable. As I said, this hasn’t been an issue for us, and I don’t focus on it, but it is vital to address it.

Focus on Activity over Results

Show your teenager the importance of what we focus on. Having a goal in mind is an effective way to keep her focused. The goal, whether it is “I want to run two miles without stopping” or “I want to bench press 100 pounds (ca. 45 kg)”, gives her brain an activity to focus on when self-doubt begins to creep in. Focusing on the immediate positives after completing your workout is essential to avoid letting anxiety ruin your workout.

“Training helps me feel strong and gives me confidence.”

“Focus on what your daughter does, not what she looks or how she performs,” advises Kellie Miller, former Division 1 field hockey player at Princeton University and mother of six children, including four girls. There is a constant message to girls that their appearance is crucial. So instead, focus on what your daughter does: How hard did she work? How was her form? Did she increase the dumbbell weight since the last time?

“Whatever brings you down will eventually make you stronger.” ― Alex Morgan

Focusing on how good we feel after a workout is also crucial. We work out because we LOVE our bodies, not because we hate them or must punish ourselves. Your daughter needs you to frame the motivation for working out in a healthy light. And let’s face it, working out and lifting weights is one of the best ways to combat anxiety and depression.

Use Words of Affirmation When Raising Teenage Daughters to Be Confident in the Weight Room

Words of affirmation come from the five love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. They are words that communicate your love, appreciation, and respect for your teenage daughter. They’re positive words and phrases used to uplift her. Furthermore, they can be said directly to or publicly in front of her.

“So much of a child’s confidence lies in the words you tell them,” says personal trainer and camp counselor to teen girls S.J. McShane. “The words you speak about your child, as well as the words they tell themselves, play a massive role in building their confidence both in athletics and their personal life.”

“Your words are the building blocks of your child’s life, and you are building their confidence and strength one brick at a time,” says McShane.

Help your teenage daughter uncover her hidden capabilities and skills by speaking words of encouragement daily. You’re building her a solid foundation of support and trust where it might otherwise be lacking. For example, try something like, “You looked like you were getting faster as you sprinted down the field after the ball today!” or “I’m proud of you for busting out your workout today; I know you were tired and pushed through some tough stuff to make it happen.”

A Note From My Daughter on Raising Teenage Daughters to Be Confident in the Weight Room

Before wrapping this up, I had to give my daughter a moment to add her thoughts. She is the youngest of four boys and plays travel soccer. I’ve watched her walk through seasons of doubting her body type and struggle with comparison. (Moms, no matter how much we follow the above advice, the world is still screaming certain ideals at them daily.) Her thoughts made me giggle and also confirmed how far she’s come. So, that’s another tip… be patient and never push your daughter to work out. It has to come from her desire. You can encourage her all you want, but the best way is to model it.

Selah’s Tips for Being Confident in the Weight Room

1. Make eye contact with everyone until they break it.

This made my husband and I giggle. For one, our daughter would be considered more of a quiet, introverted type. I asked her to explain what she meant because I immediately pictured a teenage girl staring frighteningly into the soul of unsuspecting gym-goers. She laughed and explained that she makes eye contact with anyone who looks at her to ensure they know she’s aware of their presence. For a 15-year-old, this is sage advice and valuable outside the gym.

2. Use the MyQFit App, so you know what you’re doing.

“”Having my workout plan in my hands and following the prompts makes it so easy. I can see what weight I used last time, and if I have questions, I watch Kimble’s video. I never feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.” (Kimble is one of the many certified trainers available to anyone who uses the app.)

3. Don’t compare yourself to anyone.

“If you find yourself looking at another girl’s body and wanting to be as strong, use it as motivation to keep going or increase your weight.”

4. Bring a friend and pass on your knowledge.

“I love bringing my friends to work out with me. I feel more confident when I show them how to do a workout and pass on what I’ve learned. And I love seeing them get comfortable in the weight room.”

Raising teenage daughters is such a privilege and an honor. So as we set the example for them, let’s embrace how this journey of motherhood can create in us a renewed confidence that our daughters need to see and feel.

This post is about raising teenage daughters to be confident in the weight room.

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