SEX – SEX – SEX 

 

Why do we shy away from talking about it? Well, there is one thing I promised you, which was that we were going to talk about the topics nobody talks about. But wait! Doesn’t the world speak non-stop about sex? Yes, but I’m afraid we’ve ventured far away from how it was intended. We’re not going to get into that today.

In this post, we will talk about the seven insane and surprising benefits of sex in marriage.

As we venture down this road together, I will challenge you to spice up your marriage. I will challenge you to think differently about sex than you’ve ever thought. But I’m also going to equip you with specific tools (no, not THOSE kinds of tools… geez, girl!) to put to the test; fun and spicy things to try! I’ll be here every step of the way as you test your comfort zone and take your intimacy to the next level. Trust me when I tell you it’s so worth it! But let’s first talk about the benefits of sex that I’m sure you haven’t thought of!

 

I’ll be the first to admit that I allow life to crowd out and pinch love. Bills, jobs, household management, and parenting conspire to squeeze intimacy to the bottom of our priorities list. When we make time to be alone and quiet, we’re typically exhausted and distracted. But that still counts, right? Distracted sex? I’m going to be bold and say NO!

Intimacy is more than just getting it over with and marking it off our to-do list. It sustains, heals, and renews our deepest longing for each other.

SEX HAS TO BE A PRIORITY IN MARRIAGE.

It’s also important to teach our kids that playfulness and sensuality are vital to a loving, healthy marriage. If our kids see Mom and Dad kissing, laughing, writing love notes, and teasing each other, they will quickly realize that sex is GOOD and FUN when it’s a part of a loving relationship. The examples they see in movies and social media are in stark contrast. Because of this, it’s critical to set a good example.

It makes me giggle when I think about the conversations we’ve had with our kids throughout the years. One night at the dinner table, when my youngest son was ten years old, he asked a question about sex. (Keep in mind, we had four boys between 10 and 16 years old, and my daughter was nine years old.) The conversation went something like this:

DS: So…can I ask a question??
DH: Sure, Bud… that’s what we’re here for.
DS (with a huge smirk): So…what does sex FEEL like?
Me: Umm… Daddy, why don’t you take this one.
DH: So you know those beautiful unicorns running through a bright forest jumping through glitter?? That’s what it feels like.
Me: (dumbfounded) Huh??

Seriously? That was my husband’s answer? We still laugh about that one. Another funny moment happened just last week. We knew my husband was returning to work the following day, and I also knew my period would come in the next two days. We had a small window of opportunity when all of our boys were at work, so it was go time! Except for a tiny problem… my 13-year-old daughter was home.

Me: Honey, do you want to go hang out with A?
DD: I’m waiting for her to text back.
Me: How about you go hang out with Grammy?
DD: Why?
Me: I don’t know, you’ve been home all morning, and I figured you’d want to get out.
DD: I’m good.
Me: How about you take the dogs for a walk?
DD (rolling her eyes): OMG… you and dad are going to do it, aren’t you? (Said in the most disgusted tone.)
Me: Well, I mean, we’re on a time crunch. (I tried to say, laughingly.)
DD: I’ll just wait for A to get back to me.
Me (holding my air pods out for her to grab): Ok, fine. Put these in and watch a movie in your room with the door shut.
DD: OMG, Mom – EWWW!!!

And yes, we had a beautiful, quiet quickie! See? Playful and fun! Our kids will have such a delightful expectation when they get married… and they’ll probably need A LOT of therapy, too!

Let’s jump into the seven insane benefits of sex in marriage!

THE BENEFITS

1. SEX INCREASES YOUR CONNECTION AND COMMITMENT WITH YOUR SPOUSE.

If you’re like us, you’ve been married a while now. After some time, chemistry naturally fades, and being “in love” dissipates. People tell me, “You’re so lucky, you guys are still so in love.” Lucky? Oh, Honey, that’s not how this works. We’ve had to work hard to re-create chemistry and the butterflies that quickly turned into moths. But making sex a priority is a considerable factor in our chemistry. It’s not the only factor, but it’s a vital one. Did you know that endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin boost your emotional connection? Oxytocin, also known as the love or cuddle hormone, is a key chemical that builds bonds with other humans.

“Sex can be such a stark barometer for a marriage.” — John Eldredge

2. SEX IS GOOD FOR YOUR PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH.

The same endorphins released during sex that help you bond also help with migraines and back pain. It can also be a great workout that has been shown to reduce blood pressure and promote calmness, reducing the chances of heart disease. Having sex regularly also tones the muscles in the bladder, improving bladder control in both men & women.

A study of men in their 50s published in the American Journal of Cardiology found that having sex at least twice a week was associated with a 45% lower risk of heart disease compared to less frequent sex. It also showed that low sexual frequency might be linked to erectile dysfunction. A separate study found that quality rather than quantity protects women from heart disease in later life.

One of my favorite things about sex is the stress-reducing benefits. In our 27 years of marriage, there are so many love-making moments that helped us reduce stress after a long day. Our entire days can quickly build up with deadlines, disappointments, and delays. By the time we walk into our homes, it’s not uncommon to be buried in burdens. Nothing is more beautiful than not only sharing those burdens but releasing them and escaping for an evening of passion or even just 15 minutes! Oh! And you’ll have a deeper, more sound sleep.

According to medicalexpress.com, research has linked sex to surprising benefits, such as boosting immune function. Though it might not seem like something you’d want to engage in during a migraine or cluster headache, a study published in Cephalalgia found that it can bring about partial or even total pain relief. Sex leads to something nearly everyone can use—better sleep. Certain hormones affect the body’s sleep mechanism, leading to better slumber.

3. SEX BUILDS YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AND BOOSTS YOUR CONFIDENCE.

Nobody wants to be in a marriage that lacks intimacy and physical touch. We all wish to be desired and adored. It’s a long-running joke in our marriage how often I ask Andy, “Do you want me?” I need to know that he desires me. That doesn’t mean that’s where I solely base my identity and confidence. Actually, on the contrary, the more confidence I have going into sex, the better experience we both have. But instead of HEARING him say he wants me, it’s even more powerful to EXPERIENCE it through passionate and invigorating sex. Knowing that I blow his mind (pun intended), and he keeps coming back for more, is a HUGE confidence booster. And vice versa. He knows I go wild when he goes down on me (I told you we were going to go there!) and consequently, he walks with his chest out. He holds his head a little higher and gives off a confident swagger. Which is incredibly attractive, and thus, the beautiful chemistry cycle continues! On Kim Anami’s podcast, Orgasmic Enlightenment, she dubs this phenom a well-fuc—d man. Haha! I love that. I don’t know about you, but I want my husband to be a well-fu—ed man!

4. SEX HELPS PROBLEM SOLVE AND REDUCES BICKERING.

I have a confession. I hope you’re sitting down.

Are you ready?

My husband and I disagree. Yep! We disagree a lot. We disagree on little things and big things. But a funny thing happens… We disagree even more when we don’t place intimacy at the top of our priorities. Stupid little things start to add up. My trust starts to wane, and before we know it, a chasm has developed. Everything feels off and out of sync. Have you been there? Next time you feel this, make an intentional time to be intimate. Even if you’re not in the mood, take the time to create a plan and make it happen. Every time, immediately after having sex, all the irritating little things we were bickering about melt away. I sometimes try to pick them back up and stay mad, but can’t. I don’t care about them any longer. Furthermore, I can’t tell you how many times we’ve laid in bed after a sweet sweat-sesh and just laugh at what we were arguing about earlier. It’s as if those irritants lose their power. And let’s face it! Make-up sex is pretty hot!

“Sex is one of the most powerful gifts God ever created. It was designed to bring a man and woman together in a physical, emotional and spiritual bond that would create pleasure, intimacy and also procreation.” — Dave and Ashley Willis.

5. SEX HELPS KEEP YOU HAPPIER.

Numerous studies prove that couples who have sex are happiest in their relationship and life. In a 2014 study, married couples who had sex frequently reported higher marital quality, marital coherence, marital affection, and overall marital satisfaction. In another research work, it was proven that happiness elevated when both partners experienced orgasms. That being said, more sex didn’t amount to more happiness. An ideal frequency is once a week or five times a month. The studies find the relationship between sex & happiness as curvilinear rather than linear. Apart from the frequency, research has also shown that when it comes to making love, it’s about quality rather than quantity – with people reporting better moods for two days straight after pleasurable sex. I would say that’s a win-win!

6. SEX INCREASES INTIMACY AND DEPTH OUTSIDE THE BEDROOM.

Sexually active couples not only experience a deep level of intimacy in the bedroom, but also outside of the bedroom. When we’re sexually active, we tend to flirt, hold hands, and share intimate eye contact in public places. The power of sexual intimacy in the bedroom is magical. When we’re closer physically, we’re closer mentally. We have deeper conversations, more empathy for each other, and deeper trust. In addition to improving confidence individually, sexual intimacy improves your confidence as a couple. The result is the ability to focus on the things that matter and have conversations that allow you to dream together.

Another finding concluded that emotional intimacy is the best predictor of sexual satisfaction in both genders. It makes both parties happier on their own and in the relationship when the bond goes beyond the physical act.

7. SEXUAL INTIMACY FOLLOWS THE SEASONS OF YOUR MARRIAGE.

Have you noticed there are different types of sex in a marriage? They all serve a purpose for the season you’re in.

Storytime…

I will never forget bringing home our fourth son from the hospital. I was scared. My body was tired, and I didn’t know how I would handle four boys, five years old and under. One evening, my husband came home from work after I put all the kids in bed. I felt like an empty shell. I just wanted to be held by him. Furthermore, I wanted to be taken care of. He began stroking my hair, and I just started crying. As the tears fell onto my tattered nursing bra, my messy bun fell out, and the hair fell onto his strong shoulders. I wanted him to take me, to help me escape, even for a few minutes. That night of love-making had such a massive impact on my life. It was the first time I saw the medical benefits of sex. My stress melted away, and my body relaxed for the first time in months. What a beautiful gift! 

Seasons of Sex

Our marriages will go through so many seasons, and the different types of sex serve a purpose in each. And when I say seasons, I’m referring to not only years but moods and circumstances that change daily or month to month.

• Maintenance sex, or what I call “Planned Playtime,” is probably what kept us closest during our five pregnancies and raising toddlers. If we didn’t plan and schedule sex dates, it just didn’t happen.
• Spontaneous sex is super fun. No overthinking or dreading it (Don’t worry, I sometimes fall into that mindset.) It could be a quickie because you unexpectedly have the house to yourselves. Jump on that opportunity!
• Sex in the wild or adventurous sex is my #1 FAVORITE TYPE of sex! It could be in an empty parking lot going down on your man, or taking a hike and finding a secluded area to get naked and do it by a river. Yes, we’ve done it, and it’s glorious!
• How about the “Let’s fu-k each other’s brains out? That’s always fun… no over-analyzing, just a good fu-k, quick and dirty! 
• Stress-relieving/medical benefits sex like the story above.
• And the most important, “Deeper Intimacy” sex. This is an intentional, blocked-out, regular time of sitting quietly with each other, with no distractions. You focus on eye contact and taking turns massaging each other. The goal is not to have an orgasm, but to connect emotionally. This is a time to explore each other’s bodies and bring pleasure to each other, not necessarily sexually. This takes maturity and a deep level of trust. We’ll dig deeper into intimacy a little later in this blog.

What a beautiful gift we have in sex.

The benefits of sex in a marriage are genuinely endless. Are you ready to take your intimacy to the next level? Subscribe to my newsletter, and together, we’ll turn your predictable and unfulfilling sex life into an exhilarating, engaging, and beautifully spontaneous habit.