What? Doesn’t everyone have sex before they’re married? Waiting until your wedding night sounds old-fashioned!
Hold up… I promise you’re in the right spot.
This post was not written one hundred years ago.
Moreover, I’m not here to say, “Don’t have sex before marriage because God says so.” I want to offer my personal experience and provide scientific research. Before diving into why you should wait to have sex before marriage and the ten surprising benefits, allow me to introduce myself and our story.
Young People = Young Love
We have a typical teenage love story. Well, maybe not typical, but it was young love. And the chemistry??? Yes, please! There wasn’t a shortage of passion, which let us call it for what it is, youthful lust. I was 17 years old and in my senior year of high school. My husband was 23 and back home from playing collegiate baseball. (A young, hot baseball player? He made my palms sweat and my knees weak!)
God’s Plan
He was sitting six rows in the pew in front of us. Yep, we met in church. The funny thing was we knew precisely where the other one sat every Sunday. Oh! He was so cute in his jeans, sunglasses on his head, and plain blue t-shirt. The t-shirt was tight enough to see the outline of his chest muscles and biceps. I wore a summer dress with an Aztec print of burnt orange, black and bright teal. It had a high slit, revealing the top of my thighs. When I crossed my legs, my mom would close the slit shut, and I would immediately yank it open. In hopes, the mystery man would see my legs? Maybe. But I was a good Christian girl. I wouldn’t want to cause any sexual temptation…I mean, I was in church. Not exactly.
Circa 1993 2nd Date
First Date
We went to a movie for our first date and sat at a bistro table for an hour before our film began. It allowed us to share our dreams, passions, and liked things. We discussed our relationship with Jesus Christ and how we struggled to do the right things. We were both on a renewed path of diving into God’s word, and even though we wanted to follow the will of God for our lives, we both had succumbed to sexual temptation and had previous sexual partners. Even though I was 17 years old, I did have two previous partners. I always had good intentions of staying pure, but like many of my friends, once I found out “everyone else was doing it,” I caved in. Most teenage girls don’t have much confidence, and I was no different. I didn’t want boys to be less interested in me, and sexual purity wasn’t a big deal to most of my friends. (Lesson #1: choose your friends wisely!) In my personal experience, teenage girls rarely enjoy sexual intercourse. Instead, we give the most precious gift away to a young man who doesn’t know how to value it and certainly isn’t thinking of a lifelong commitment.
Committed Relationship
The best part about our first date was the conversation surrounding God’s word and His commandments regarding premarital sex. By the time I began dating my husband, I was done giving my body away and not treating it like a temple of the Holy Spirit. And to be honest, I was tired of getting hurt, and waiting until my wedding day seemed like a good thing. It would give me a lot of time to get to know someone, and I would never have to wonder if they had a pure heart. I was ready to try it in God’s way. Let’s pause for a moment… picture this: A cute 17-year-old and a handsome 23-year-old on their first date with apparent chemistry discussing the covenant of marriage; The 17-year-old makes it clear she will not be in a sexual relationship until her wedding night. And the 23-year-old immediately has a thought…
Ready for it?
“Yeah, right! Wait until she gets to know me.”
Hah! This was my husband’s reaction to my youthful yet bold declaration of following God’s commandments! I didn’t find out about this little challenge until we were married. We laughed about it because ultimately, I won… but we both did! And here’s how YOU can win, as well!
Good News and Bad News
Let me back up here for a minute. I’m not here to shame anyone or argue the morality of waiting. It might shock you that most of the ten reasons for waiting are based on scientific data. We are fundamentally wired for intimacy. Sex is not nasty. Sexual desires are not evil. Being attracted to someone and wanting to be with them is not bad. But just like with all of God’s commandments, there is a framework to follow that will help us experience His gifts and blessings to the fullest. This framework is designed to keep us from harm. It’s designed to set us up for success and avoid sin pitfalls that could bring years of consequences and heartaches. But following His plan doesn’t make sense in our world today. It’s not the popular opinion.
Most young people ARE having lots of sex. They were 27 years ago, and they are today. The good news is that we and millions of other couples have proven that the blessings far outweigh the difficulty in waiting. And you would rather not be like most people, anyway. The bad news? It can seem like a long time before the wedding ceremony arrives. It’s not easy, but I promise, it’s worth the wait! The EVEN BETTER news? Regardless of your faith, science has proven the benefits of waiting.
Circa 1995 Rehearsal Dinner
10 Reasons You Should Wait to Have Sex Before Marriage
1. Sexual intimacy can permanently affect your brain.
There are so many things that happen during sex. It’s much more than just a momentary high of sexual pleasure. In the book Hooked, updated and repackaged: The Brain Science on How Casual Sex Affects Human Development By Joe S. McIlhaney Jr., MD, Freda McKissic Bush MD., scientific research shows how sexual activity releases brain chemicals that trigger emotional bonding between partners. Breaking these bonds can damage the brain, such as depression and difficulty bonding with someone else in the future.
“Chemicals are released in our brains that bond us whenever we are intimate. Vasopressin is primarily released in male brains and oxytocin primarily in females. These continual forming and breaking bonds can permanently affect a person’s brain.”
Think of it like sticky tape. The first time you use a piece of tape, it has a strong bond. But when you take it off and use it again, it’s less adhesive. And eventually, it doesn’t bond at all.
2. Couples who wait until marriage to have sex are happier with the quality of their sex life than those who have pre-marital sex.
In addition, according to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, couples who delay sex until their wedding night have more stable and happier marriages than those who have premarital sex.
“The study involved 2,035 married participants in an online marriage assessment called “RELATE.” According to the study, people who waited until marriage:
rated sexual quality 15% higher than people who had premarital sex
rated relationship stability as 22% higher
rated satisfaction with their relationships 20% higher.”
In another study by the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers state:
“Rapid sexual involvement may have adverse long-term implications for relationship quality. Delaying sexual involvement was associated with higher relationship quality across several dimensions.”
3. Waiting to have sex until marriage allows you to develop your relationship skills.
This was so apparent while we were dating. We committed to waiting until our marriage bed, but it was difficult, and the temptation was high. But in waiting, we found other ways to bond and grow closer. We started reading devotions and praying together. In a sense, this felt way more intimate and vulnerable than just giving way to our desires. I learned much more about my husband than any past partners. It required us to prioritize communication and commitment as our foundation.
“Couples who prioritize sex promptly at the outset of a relationship often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy.” — Mark Regnerus, Ph.D., University of Texas
Circa 1995 Our Wedding
4. The “Test Drive” philosophy appears to be a faulty test of early dating chemistry compatibility.
The response was shocking when my husband and I told our friends that we were waiting to have sex until marriage. We had family members, friends, and co-workers roll their eyes and assume we were lying or wouldn’t be able to hold out. The reverberating consensus was doubt about not “testing the waters” before making a lifelong commitment.
Surveys indicate that most people, somewhere around 80 percent, believe that premarital sex is acceptable when feelings of love exist between two adults. I can honestly say we felt very alone and somewhat isolated in our decision. But we also committed to each other and God and were determined to prove others wrong. It also didn’t take much convincing when so many of our friends were miserable in their quest for the lifelong right partner. Clearly, “testing the waters” wasn’t getting them anywhere.
Norval Glenn hypothesizes that sexual involvement may lead to unhealthy emotional entanglements that make ending a lousy relationship difficult. Sharon Sassler and her colleagues from Cornell University concluded, “Adequate time is required for romantic relationships to develop healthily. In contrast, relationships that move too quickly, without adequate discussion of the goals and long-term desires of each partner, may be insufficiently committed and therefore result in relationship distress, especially if one partner is more committed than the other”
5. Waiting to have sex until marriage facilitates intentional partner selection.
When you have not become sexually involved with your dating partner, you have a better chance of making good decisions in dating. Having sex complicates things and muddies the water, especially for women. Once we’ve become sexually involved, our decision-making becomes convoluted.
Scott Stanley, a leading marriage expert, has proposed a concept of dating that he calls “relationship inertia.” The central idea of inertia is that some couples end up married partly because they become “prematurely entangled” in a sexual relationship before deciding to be committed to one another—and had they not become so entangled early on, they would not have married each other. Inertia means that it is hard for some couples to veer from the path they are on, even when doing so would be wise; the fact that they share friends, an apartment, and maybe a pet makes breaking up with each other even more difficult than it would otherwise be. So the relationship progresses from cohabitation to marriage even if the partners are not very well matched.
6. Waiting to have sex until marriage reduces your chances of contracting an STD.
What is an STD? STDs are diseases passed from one person to another through sexual contact. These include chlamydia, gonorrhea, genital herpes, human papillomavirus (HPV), syphilis, and HIV. Many of these STDs do not show symptoms for a long time. Even without symptoms, they can still be harmful and passed on during sex. The more sexual partners you have, the more you risk contracting an STD. This seems common sense, but common sense goes out the door when we give way to youthful lust.
According to the CDC, “While sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) affect individuals of all ages, STDs take a hefty toll on young people. CDC estimates that youth ages 15-24 account for almost half of the 26 million new sexually transmitted infections in the United States in 2018.”
As I write this post (2022), the CDC is tracking an outbreak of monkeypox that has spread across several countries that don’t usually report monkeypox, including the United States. The monkeypox virus spreads primarily through close, intimate contact with someone who has monkeypox.
7. Waiting to have sex until marriage eliminates your chances of pregnancy.
Getting pregnant complicates dating and adds many stressors to a new relationship. Unwanted pregnancies are associated with an increase in social and economic costs. Pregnancy and birth are significant contributors to high school dropout rates among girls. Only about 50% of teen mothers receive a high school diploma by 22 years, whereas approximately 90% of women who do not give birth during adolescence graduate from high school. Furthermore, the children of teenage mothers are more likely to have lower school achievement and drop out of high school, have more health problems, be incarcerated at some time during adolescence, give birth as a teenager, and face unemployment as young adults.
The CDC reports that the US teen birth rate (births per 1,000 females aged 15 to 19 years) has been declining since 1991. Teen birth rates continued to decline from 17.4 per 1,000 females in 2018 to 16.7 per 1,000 females in 2019. This is another record low for US teens, and a decrease of 4% from 2018.1,2 Birth rates fell 7% for females aged 15 to 17 years and 4% for females aged 18 to 19. Although the reasons for the declines are not clear, evidence suggests these declines are due to more teens abstaining from sexual activity and more teens who are sexually active using birth control than in previous years. Still, the US teen birth rate is substantially higher than in other western industrialized nations, and racial/ethnic and geographic disparities in teen birth rates persist.
8. Waiting to have sex until marriage allows you to exercise self-control.
Our culture thrives on self-gratification and instant gratification. Waiting to have sex until marriage helps build your self-control. Anything you and I want or need is available to us instantly. You’ve seen the impatient customers and angry restaurant patrons who have zero self-control when it seems they can’t get their way. With a click of a button on our electronic devices, we can instantly purchase, watch or text anything we want. Self-control is a virtue, and a skill that you require, not only in life but you will need during the life of your marriage. Marriage requires more selflessness and self-control than any other relationship you will have. Exploring different ways to express love and affection and exercise self-control is a beautiful gift you can give your future spouse.
9. Waiting to have sex until marriage creates an exciting and memorable honeymoon.
I wish more people would talk about this, especially church members. My husband and I dated for nine months when we were engaged and were then engaged for nine months. If you do the math, that’s 18 months of abstaining! The crazy part in all of this “waiting to have sex until we’re married” is that when you know, you’re not supposed to do it (something we placed upon ourselves), it makes us even more crazy attracted to each other! It’s the forbidden fruit phenom; What you can’t have, you want even more! It didn’t help that everyone knew we were waiting, so the sexual tension was high, significantly the closer we got to our wedding night. We also had to be super careful during our dating months. We kissed, made out, and had a good idea of what our favorite body parts were on each other. LOL! And in all honesty, we played with fire a little too often, setting ourselves up with intense temptation, but alas, we were determined.
Circa 1995 The Honeymoon
On our wedding night, we were full of nerves. I wanted to make sure he was happy with me, and he had a deep desire to please me. Our bond and friendship were incredibly tight at this point. People don’t tell you the mental head game that plays out when you’ve told yourself for so long now that you CAN’T have sex. Now, with the wave of a magic wand, aka your wedding, it’s all fair game. It surprised me how torn up I was on our wedding night. We made love, but it wasn’t easy to enjoy it.
We both felt awkward, and it was also pretty painful for me. But throughout our honeymoon in Jamaica, we allowed ourselves to get comfortable with our bodies and be naked in front of each other. We dedicated time daily to lay in bed and explore each other with back massages and oil. Our honeymoon 27 years ago was one of the most memorable times in both of our lives. We knew right then our discipline of waiting paid off. We felt like God blessed us with the most significant gift in each other. We both wanted to please the other and couldn’t wait to grow in our sexual relationship—we had a lifetime to develop it! And develop it we have!
10. Waiting to have sex until marriage sets you up for a lifetime of amazing sex, especially if you’ve had past trauma!
Even though our honeymoon was a magical week in paradise, the first five years of marriage were some of the most challenging. I haven’t told you I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I know I’m not alone in this… 1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused by the time they are 18 years old. I’m not trying to bring us down here, but I’m here with this blog to address and discuss the things most people won’t. This post answers whether you should have sex before marriage and the ten reasons why you should wait. I can’t speak about sex without addressing a shocking truth. One of the most tragic outcomes of sexual abuse and assault is the negative impact on the sense of self and how healthy relationships work. Sexual abuse, especially in childhood, is profoundly devastating.
According to an article by psychalive.org:
Sexual abuse may trigger strong negative emotions linked to sexual desire or behavior for trauma survivors. When something is scary, it triggers the brain’s fight/flight/freeze response — specifically the amygdala, which we can’t consciously control to be different – we have to feel differently. As we know from research, neurons that fire together wire together. This means fear and negative feelings can become triggered, automatically “hard-wiring” to sexual responses because of past abuse. This is why trauma survivors often experience disgust, pain, discomfort during sex, or terrifying flashbacks from the past — even when they are safe with someone they choose in the present day. A healthy relationship based on love, compassion, and caring is one place a trauma survivor can learn positive ways to experience sexual pleasure, desire, and consent.
This is my story. And to see the healing from where we came from as a couple to where we’re at today is nothing short of a miracle. After 27 years of marriage, our sex life keeps improving. We get to experience the insane and surprising benefits of sex. And to be 100% uninhibited and enjoy God’s design for sex within the marriage covenant is the most significant gift you can give yourself and your future spouse.
Circa 2008 Our Blessings
In Conclusion
This post was about why you should wait to have sex until marriage and ten reasons. I pray that it has renewed your hope and strengthened your resolve to value yourself and your partner enough to wait.
If you’re married and didn’t make it to your wedding night, please don’t beat yourself up! Let go of the guilt and shame.
If you’re not married and didn’t wait, you have a chance for a fresh start, and it can start TODAY! No more guilt and shame!
If you’ve never had sex and are not married, congratulations!! I’m here to encourage you to KEEP GOING! It IS possible to wait until you’re married to have sex! And the gift waiting for you is like nothing you’ll experience
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.