13 Essential and Forgotten Keys to a Successful Marriage

In this post, we’ll cover some main keys to a successful marriage. We will talk about what it takes to make a long-lasting marriage. I recently read a study about the common reasons why relationships succeed. I’m always eager to see what others have experienced and their thoughts on relationships. Why? Well, for one, I’m always open to new ways to strengthen our marriage. But, like you, I’ve also seen my fair share of ideas on how to make a marriage successful that are just empty promises. So many ideas come from people who either haven’t proven it in their relationships or have yet to see the long-term results of said ideas. My husband and I have been married for 27 years and have raised five beautiful children. Our relationship isn’t perfect; NOBODY’S IS. But we have discovered what works for us. Let’s dive into this study together and see what we can learn!

THE STUDY

Mark Manson, a blogger, and entrepreneur, was married just two weeks after publishing an article titled, “Every successful relationship is successful for the same reasons.” He began asking advice from older and wiser couples preparing for his wedding. Ultimately, he sent out a call a week before the wedding to anyone married ten plus years and who was still happy to share their lessons. Some 1,500 responded, sometimes at length, saying the same thing.When I came across this article, I was eager to read what was included. Being married for two decades, I’ve come across many bad marriages, bad advice, and overall wrong expectations that have often confused me about what I was experiencing in my marriage. But the conclusion of the article was interesting. Some points were spot on, but some were underwhelming. I also thought there were some missing VITAL pieces that Andy and I feel are the key to our longevity. I’ll go ahead and list what his conclusions were:

• Be together for the right reasons
• Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance
• The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect
• Talk openly about everything, especially the things that hurt
• A healthy relationship means two healthy individuals
• Give each other space
• You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways; embrace it
• Get good at fighting
• Get good at forgiving
• The little things add up to big things
• Sex matters… a LOT
• Be practical and set relationship rules
• Learn to ride the waves

A MORE PROFOUND LOOK

At first glance, one would think this accurate and exhaustive list is all you need to sail off into the sunset to celebrate your 50th anniversary! Oh! But friend, there is a HUGE, GLARING missing piece. We wouldn’t be here today if we didn’t practice the missing piece. Although more on that later. Let’s dissect these in a more personable manner.

1. Be together for the right reasons: When I read this, my first thought was, “Duh.” LOL! But let’s talk about all the screwed-up reasons people get married.

• Pressure from family and friends
• A romanticized view of the wedding and status of marriage
• Feeling left out for being single
• Thinking it would make you happy. (We all know how ass-backward this thinking is. An unhappy single person will be a miserable married person!)

Interestingly, this point is that sometimes we get married for the wrong reasons, but when we surrender to God, He will always make a way where there seems to be no way. The original study mentions being young, naive, and hopelessly in love as the wrong reason. I get that, but guess what? That was us! Andy proposed to me two months after I graduated from high school! He was 24 years old, and I was 18 years old. Talk about young and naive! But it worked. If you’re reading this, and you’re still married… It doesn’t matter why you got married. You’re married, and it’s time to make it successful!

2. Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance: It would be great to have the right expectations about marriage, but I’ll be honest… Can anyone prepare you for what marriage will be like? Could you have realistic expectations? That’s like saying, “Go into parenthood with realistic expectations.” Ummm… Ain’t nobody going into parenthood prepared for what they’re getting into! We went into it with our parents’ expectations, “It will be hard. Forgive each other. Don’t go to bed angry.” Blah Blah Blah. Nobody said, “You will hate your husband. You will fall out of love with him. His chewing will make you want to poke hot sticks in your eyes. He will get depressed, etc.” Now, it’s obvious you shouldn’t go into marriage thinking this person will make you happy and complete you (see #1.) And you definitely shouldn’t go into marriage thinking it will be all roses and puppies.

Moving on…

3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect: I can’t say I agree with the participants in the study concerning this topic. Here is a quote from one of the participants, Laurie:

What I can tell you is the #1 thing; most critical, above all else, is respect. It’s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion, or lack of, nor is it love. There are times when you won’t feel love for your partner. That is the truth. But you never want to lose respect for your partner. Once you lose respect, you will never get it back.

I can’t entirely agree with this statement in its totality. Respect is a contender for being one of the most critical factors. However, to say once you lose respect, you will never get it back… HOGWASH. That’s why my missing piece is SO VITAL… We’ll get to it soon, but here’s a reminder; if you want to make a long-lasting marriage, if you’re going to have a successful marriage, NEVER make sweeping, final assumptions like, “It’s too late” or “It’s hopeless.” Our God is always bigger than what you think is possible. ALWAYS.

4. Talk openly about everything, especially the things that hurt: Yes, yes, and 100% yes!!

5. A healthy relationship means two healthy individuals: Yes BUT… What if your spouse has depression? What if you have a season of addiction? What if your anxiety flares while raising teenagers. A generalized statement like this can be unfair with the reality that we’re taking two messy people, two sinners, and putting them together under one roof and saying… Make it work! It’s honestly unnatural… At least that’s how it can feel countless times. With that said, we cannot make our spouse happy. They have to choose for themselves to be content. When we were first married, my husband would have depressive episodes, and I would do everything to make him happy. That’s NOT healthy and not sustainable over a long period. I need him to be healthy, content, and whole and bring THAT to our marriage.

6. Give each other space: I’m so grateful Andy gave me freedom as a 19-year-old to become the woman I was supposed to become. The changes that happen in your 20s are astronomical! If he had tried to control me and not given me the space I needed to discover who I was, separate from him, I can’t say we would still be here. Now, do we have individual checking accounts and such? NO. Do I like to poop alone? YES. 😉 Every couple is different, but the key is to give some space and respect for whom that person is becoming! See #7

7. You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways; embrace it: Yes, yes, and 100% YES! I LOVE this point, and it’s probably one of my favorite pieces of advice. In our 27 years of marriage, we’ve fought, cried, been terrified, been stubborn, unintentionally hurt each other, had differing, frustrating parenting styles, gained and lost weight, gained and lost our minds, gained and lost jobs, gained and lost money, gained and lost trust, gained wrinkles…(I wish they were lost), experienced six beautiful pregnancies, delivered five beautiful children, tag-teamed: dishwashing, carpooling, house cleaning, dinner making, puke cleaning, potty training, clothes washing, and breaking up fights. We had endless talks about our dreams and goals, and made love together! (I figure it’s about 2,704 times given the law of averages—2/week to consider the weeks after deliveries.) Fell back in love with each other endless times, had countless hikes together, and had a ton of other adventures! Prayed, laughed, forgave, fought for each other, and carried the load when the other couldn’t. If you doubt that process doesn’t change a person, you’re in for a big surprise. We have found ways to FALL IN LOVE with the new person they are becoming and never hold on to whom we think they should become. This is so important.

8. Get good at fighting: Yes! I remember when we were first married, and we met a couple who had been married five more years than us. They NEVER fought around us, and I asked the wife, “Do you guys ever disagree or fight?” Honestly, it felt like Andy, and I fought ALL THE TIME! Her response? “Nope, we never fight.” I went home feeling so discouraged and wondered what was wrong with us. One year later, that couple divorced. John Gottman is a psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples and looking for keys to why they stick together and break up. Gottman’s research shows that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you think. Successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, he found, fight consistently. And some of them fight furiously. But you have to fight fair! No name-calling, no bringing up history and making your spouse pay for past mistakes, no blame-shifting (yeah, Eve!), no stonewalling or silent treatments (that’s manipulation at its finest.)

What I’m about to say will be controversial, but I have to say it… It’s ok to go to bed angry. I’m not saying go days without addressing the issue, but when we were first married, we got the advice from so many couples to not let the sun go down when you’re angry. “OK,” I thought… so I would try to talk to Andy and hash it out while we were both SO EXHAUSTED, literally falling asleep, and it got us nowhere. Occasionally, it made things worse.

9. Get good at forgiving: Forgive, forgive, and forgive some more. Stay married long enough, and eventually, you’ll be the one needing forgiveness. It’s easy for us to feel superior, saying things like, “Why am I the one who does everything right?” As I said, give it enough time, and you, too, will need forgiveness.

10. The little things add up to big things:Date nights are a must!

Our dating “formula” is:

15 min/day

One night/week

One day/month

One weekend/year

Protect your date nights. Even when you don’t feel like you have enough money or time… Make it happen. We will cover some fun date night ideas in a later blog!

11. Sex matters… a LOT: Repeat it for the people in the back! When it’s going well, nothing is a big deal. When it’s not happening, EVERYTHING is a big deal. Both partners should be sexually satisfied as often as possible! Our goal is 2-4 times per week, but every couple is different, and you’ll find yourself in different seasons with kids, pregnancies, sickness, etc. It truly is crazy how magical it can be for your marriage. When we find ourselves disconnected, sometimes we’ll carve out time and do it as frequently as possible for a week, and before you know it, we’ve gone from everything driving us crazy to snuggly in bed at night. Please don’t misread this. I’m not saying sex fixes everything. But I am saying, if this vital component is missing, you need to take an honest look at your marriage and possibly seek counseling.

12. Be practical and set relationship rules:Andy does more of our household chores. He works outside the home, and I work similar hours in the home. I care for the finances and the kids’ schedules, and we divide kids’ practices based on availability. This works for us. But I would be remiss not to mention the tension at the beginning of our marriage. The “church” pounded the idea that the man is the leader and makes the final decisions…takes control, etc. As a frustrated young bride, I waited for my husband to take the lead, do the finances, and discipline the kids while I desperately tried to sum up the energy and desire to cook and clean. He was miserable, and I was equally troubled. It was much more enjoyable and empowering when we finally owned who we were, how God created us, and how we could complement each other. (And threw out others’ ideas.)

13. Learn to ride the waves:One participant in the study said this, which, I thought, was so poignant:

“Like the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship, ups, and downs—some waves last for hours, some for months or even years. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship—people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, and lose a lot of money. Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you end up with each other.”

WHAT THEY MISSED

I couldn’t agree more with the last gentleman. As we conclude our thoughts on how to have a successful marriage, there was one reverberating thought that has kept me hopeful and determined throughout the years of our marriage that was missing in the study:

God is in control.

The study missed the power that exists when two people COMMIT and SURRENDER to God. The energy that HE brings when you honor your vows is unmatched. The intimacy and bonding that comes from praying together are powerful. Here’s the beautiful part. If you’re saying, “But my husband doesn’t believe in God. He won’t pray with me.” It’s OK! All it takes is YOU. You can focus on how you can grow. We can’t change our spouse. But we can change ourselves. We can commit to praying for them. We can begin seeing a therapist. Furthermore, we can start to change how we speak to them. I shifted when I started focusing on how God sees my husband.

Marriage is such a beautiful relationship and the most important one in your life. These are just some keys we’ve discovered to make our marriage successful. More than anything I pray that you can see that there is HOPE for your marriage!

What is one area in your marriage that you will focus on?