There are many parenting philosophies when disciplining your toddler, child, or teenager. When you’re trying to figure out how to discipline your teenager for bad grades, you’re not alone if you find it confusing. As I began my motherhood journey, I learned to slow down, pray and be still when I felt overwhelmed with decisions.
The purpose of this post is to simplify the out-of-date discipline measures used to deal with bad grades in teenagers. Despite popular belief, some advice can have damaging consequences. Having said that, let me give you my most significant piece of advice:
It’s always pertinent to pay more attention to your child’s spirit than the grades they receive in a public, charter, or private school. Your child is not more valuable when they have good grades. Keep in mind that their grades are not a reflection of you or your parenting.
Let’s jump into how to discipline your teenager for bad grades.
How to Discipline Your Teenager for Bad Grades
Identify the Cause of Poor Grades and Talk Calmly About It
Occasionally, we make assumptions about our children that turn out to be incorrect.
Video games are easy to blame for bad grades if your son spends a lot of time playing them. When teenagers keep putting off homework, it’s easy to blame their laziness. But what if your teenager secretly suffers from anxiety when taking exams? Their unconscious coping mechanism may be playing video games.
Or maybe your teenager is like my middle son, who has dyslexia and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder)? Luckily, he was diagnosed very young, so we took his education into our own hands. We did not allow our child’s teacher to compare his school performance to other kids in class. Moreover, we never let the school put him in a resource room all day. It is our responsibility, as parents, to be the number one advocate for our children. Our son could hardly keep up with learning, standardized tests, and the typical grade structure, so he quickly became unmotivated. If we didn’t know the underlying cause of his low grades, it could have appeared to be laziness. Before determining the underlying cause of poor academic performance, we must discuss the issue.
Express Concern, Not Anger
Ask questions! Our teens communicate with us through their poor grades, and we must understand what they say. School failure is not just due to resentment toward their parents or boredom with the material; there is a reason for it.
When I got bad grades in high school, my parents were furious, and no matter how hard I tried, nothing I did was good enough. As time passed, I stopped trying.
Instead of being angry, punitive, and sarcastic, I recommend you offer concern.
“Uncovering the cause of the poor performance will let you address it before it becomes a bigger problem,” says Dr. Nolan.
Using a helpful, supportive tone, ask these types of questions:
- Are you overwhelmed?
- Is something stressing you out at school?
- Is this subject confusing to you?
- Do you have trouble focusing?
- Can you remember the materials easily?
- Are you bored?
- Do you feel too nervous during exams?
- Is there too much schoolwork?
According to one study, 49% of students reported feeling stressed on a daily basis, which can affect their health and behavior.
To find the underlying cause, probe gently. Small discussions over time are more effective than one long, sit-down discussion. Don’t make it formal (no agenda- Lol!). The hot tub is my favorite place to have these discussions! They are likelier to open up and speak more freely in the relaxing, warm water. Here are 21 simple tips on communicating with your teenage son. https://livingreframed.com/communicating-with-your-teenage-son/
Provide Help, Not Control When Disciplining Your Teenager for Bad Grades
If you have control tendencies, like me, your first go-to is the worst-case scenario, based on fear, which leads us down the road to… CONTROL. I get it.
You may be tempted to become more involved with or stricter about your teenager’s education. It is essential, however, to create an environment that fosters autonomy and intrinsic motivation.
Research suggests that parental autonomy support leads to better mental health, better grades, and a more positive attitude in children.
Another study revealed that supportive parents who allow autonomy acknowledge their children’s perspectives, enabling them to make choices and use minimal control language. In response to children’s requests, they are flexible and provide reasonable rationales.
Conversely, teenagers who live under a controlling or helicopter parent feel powerless. Generally, they are unmotivated and don’t want to put much effort into school.
Encourage Your Teenager to Set Realistic Goals
How do they envision themselves working in adulthood? Do they have a passion for anything in particular? Is there a prerequisite for that career? In what kind of house would they like to live? Do they want a family? Can they afford that lifestyle with the money they make? Get concrete data to help your teenager understand what they need to achieve their goals.
Although, if your teen has no hopes or goals, it’s time to find out what they enjoy. Encourage them to take classes like photography, welding, and woodworking. Joining a Thespian group, a band, or DECA can open their minds to possibilities. You must, however, remain open-minded.
Find something they’re interested in! Setting attainable goals will then be more straightforward.
“Children should compete only with themselves and do their best,” says Dr. Nolan. “Pressure can result in depression, not sleeping, and other significant problems.” — Dr. Courtney Nolan, D.O.
Help Your Teenager Make a Plan
Creating a plan is the next step after your child determines their end goal. What jobs could they land right out of school that would pave the way for their future careers? Is a college degree required?
Our days of graduating high school and immediately heading to college are long gone. Specific jobs require a college education, whereas others do not. Our two oldest sons attended college for a short time before deciding it wasn’t for them. As a matter of fact, my oldest’s freshman year in college was in 2020, which fell in the middle of COVID-19. It was an unpleasant experience for him. After one semester, our second son realized he wasn’t ready for college, despite being accepted on a scholarship. Not a problem! Our role as parents is not to make our children live out our dreams or make them act based on our reputation. What is the purpose of doing that? When I was a child, my mother was more focused on appearances than on what my spirit needed. I promised myself that I would never do that to my children.
“Remember that what is important is what happens from this point forward, and you can’t change the past,” says Dr. Nolan.
Once your teenager has a vision for the future, you can help them create a plan to improve their poor school performance without dictating what they should do. It must be a plan your child believes in. Otherwise, it will set them up to fail. However, you can suggest possible solutions. Depending on their most significant obstacles, it may be helpful for them to get a counselor, hire a tutor, or restrict their phone usage or extracurricular activities. Maybe they need organizational skills,
You can help your teenager take control of their education by letting them design their plan under your guidance. When teens feel their actions are their own choices, they are motivated.
Furthermore, children should understand that they are learning for themselves, not for their parents. As they internalize the value of education, they develop intrinsic motivation, which is essential for getting higher grades.
A Note About Punishment or Rewards to Motivate
Typically, a parent’s first thought when a child gets poor grades is what consequences they can impose. I implemented consequences when I was trying to figure out how to discipline my teenager for bad grades. We’ve taken cell phones away and threatened to take away participation in school sports for bad grades. We’ve paid them money and treated them to ice cream in exchange for good grades.
Overall, I find these things helpful, but only using threats and bribes to motivate your children is a flawed long-term strategy.
Rewards and punishments extrinsically motivate. Teenagers are less motivated by extrinsic motivators because they undermine their intrinsic motivation.
There may be temporary positive results because your child wants to avoid punishment or gain rewards. However, in due time, you will run out of things to take away, or you will need to keep increasing your rewards.
Teenagers who are intrinsically motivated do things because they enjoy the process rather than because they want rewards or to avoid punishment. Having intrinsic motivation for learning improves a child’s chances of good grades. 3
Strengthen the Relationship Between You and Your Teenager
The best way to help your child succeed is by building a solid parent-child relationship. A strong relationship with your child will motivate them to work harder in school to achieve their goals in life. Aside from that, if you value education, your children will also. Moreover, it will enhance their self-esteem and teach them essential skills like communication with others (including adults). One of the best ways to strengthen the relationship with your teenager is by scheduling weekly dates.
Final Thoughts On How To Discipline A Teenager For Bad Grades
In the end, we must remember that teenagers are still kids. Although they are old enough to make wise decisions, they may not always understand their consequences. Our job as parents is to help them learn from their mistakes and become better people. In the end, think of what will be most essential to you in 20 years and will serve you well.
To learn more about parenting your teenager, read Communicating With Your Teenage Son: 21 Simple Tips.
Interested in more? Check out 21 Digital Detox Ideas: How You Can Unplug and What to Expect.
This post was all about How to Discipline your Teenager for Bad Grades
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.