How My Husband’s Depression Almost Destroyed Our Marriage

It was a crazy morning getting all five kids out of the house for school. But this particular morning, my heart had an undeniable weight. It was a nagging shadow that followed every thought. I pulled into the garage, turned off the car, and sat there. I sat quietly, staring at the drywall for a good hour. Not only that, but I didn’t want to go in. I knew what was waiting for me inside. But I had to pull myself together and get it over with. I opened the garage door and immediately felt a dark cloud, a thickness of the air. It was suffocating and slightly familiar. My husband was depressed…again. He sat near the bed, rehearsing what he could’ve done differently. He was listening to the lies that the kids and I would be better off without him. We were 18 years into marriage, and I felt like someone else was involved. Well, I shouldn’t say someone, but more of something. Its name started with a “D.” My husband has depression. It took me 18 years to finally admit it.

According to an article on WebMD, depression that affects one partner affects the other partner, the relationship, and ultimately the entire family. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, nearly 15 million American adults, or about 6.7% of the U.S. population age 18 and older, are affected with major depression in a given year. Mental health counselors like Joan R. Sherman, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Lancaster, Pa., say depression often leads couples to seek counseling, fearful the depression will lead to divorce.

Depression itself doesn’t destroy marriages.

Depression itself doesn’t lead directly to divorce, experts say. Instead, it is the consequence of not addressing depression.

My husband’s depression almost destroyed our marriage. Just typing that brings on instant shame. “If you were a better wife, he wouldn’t be struggling.” “If you did this differently, or this, he would be more content.” Why do we tell ourselves these lies? Why do we, as women, put so much pressure on ourselves?

I kept replaying conversations, decisions, and our current reality in my mind like a stuck movie. It was a mixture of hopelessness, hurt, and a sense of loss. How did we get here? My husband’s depression led to attempted suicide, and he was now unemployed. I walked away from my business, and one of my teenage sons was hurting. My sister passed away that same year as well. Our house was about to foreclose, and our marriage was bankrupt.

I lost hope.

I sat there numb, unable to process anything except one reverberating thought. At that moment, I knew I had a choice. I could use my husband’s vulnerability to dig the knife in deeper because, let’s face it, I certainly had my moments where I thought we’d be better off without him. Or I could run to God on my knees and seek HIS guidance.

Somewhere deep down, I knew God was still in control.

I needed to be still and quiet all the voices that kept leading me to hopelessness. I needed to seek HIS guidance and give Him control. That meant surrendering. I would have to sacrifice significantly to what my selfishness was screaming: “You deserved better.” “Aren’t you tired of paying the consequences for things you didn’t do?” “You held up your end of the bargain.” “He keeps falling short.” “Aren’t you tired of always forgiving and being the bigger person?”

It’s time to surrender.

This was a cup I would rather not bear.

Let’s pause for a moment. I speak about marriage and depression, but only from my experience. I am NOT a counselor. Everything I talk about in this post assumes you are not in danger and you are safe in your marriage. Please seek professional help and contact the appropriate people. Medication, supplementation, therapy, and many more tools are available to those struggling with mental health. In no way am I suggesting you pray over your marriage, succumb to being a doormat, and live a life of misery—quite the opposite. I speak about what we’ve experienced and how we’ve successfully made it to 27 years of marriage with five amazing teenagers while battling this disease of depression.

I read an article online about what makes a relationship successful. It was interesting, and I covered it here. But the study had one glaring omission to the puzzle: The power that builds when two people COMMIT and SURRENDER to God. The energy HE brings to your marriage when you both honor your vows is miraculous.

Back to our story…

There is hope for our marriages.

At that moment, seeing my husband near the bed, God in all of His graciousness, was clear to me as I fell on my knees, denying what my heart craved (to walk away from it all.) “This is your husband…a precious gift I’ve given you. I want you to love him regardless of what you’re getting or not getting in return… This is not about you. Please treat him as I’ve called you to as his wife… I want you to love him today, even if things never change. Stop loving him in hopes of change. You know the man he is deep down and who I intended him to be… You must never lose that vision and always speak to that man, not the man you see today.”

Whoah.

Tears.

Sadness.

Anger.

That was a messy day in my spirit. God’s message was clear as day, but my acceptance of it was very messy.

You see, I kept wanting to love him until he changed. I was quietly waiting for the depression to go away… for him to hold up his end of the bargain.

I immediately began weeping and seeking wisdom in God’s word on how to do that. Because, quite frankly, divorce sounded easier and more gratifying. I prayed for words to speak over him while he slept as we passed in the hallway and drove in the car. I encouraged him to seek counseling. Furthermore, I vowed never to let him forget who he is in Christ. Instead of trying to change him, I also transferred my focus onto the growth I needed as his wife. I needed to become a much bigger person and humbly surrender to my new role. This wasn’t about me fixing him; it was about loving him in sickness and health.

Six years later, I have never felt more beauty and peace in my soul AND more intimacy and attraction to my husband. Perfect? Of course not. My husband still struggles with depression, but our marriage is no longer a potential casualty on the battlefield. We both struggle with mental health issues. I wish someone would have told us that it was normal. But I no longer focus on what I’m not receiving; instead, I put my energy on growing, becoming the best version of me for my husband and my kids. I used to ask God, “Why me? I get tired of being the strong one.” His response? “Your strength was never you. It came through me, and you were brought to this marriage to use that strength to heal generations.”

Another “Whoah!” moment. God is full of mind-blowing truths when we slow down and listen to him.

So, never underestimate what God can do through your strong personality, friend. When surrendered to God’s plan, it can be a powerful and beautiful influence in your husband’s life.

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and help them become who they are capable of being.” —Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

I hope this leaves you feeling empowered and hopeful that things CAN change!

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