A mentor of mine used to say we have only eighteen summers with our children. I now have two adult children, with whom I have zero summers left. It’s made me realize how fleeting time is with our kids. My younger three will be out of the house sooner than I’d like. These 11 powerful parenting goals are a corroboration of what I’ve learned as a mama of a 21, 19, 17, 15, and 14-year-old.
Why Do Teenagers Get a Bad Rap?
When our five children were all toddlers, women used to walk up to me and say, “Oh! You just wait until they’re all teenagers!” An eye roll usually followed that statement. Eventually, I realized many parents found parenting teenagers a miserable season. And honestly? I knew my parents did not find joy in me as a teen… I knew my presence annoyed them. And you know what? I vowed to create a different relationship with my kids.
Unfortunately, too many parents unwittingly communicate to their teenagers that they are annoyed and inconvenienced by this season they are passing through, leaving teens with the conclusion they are fundamentally flawed.
Hear me out; I know the teen years can be challenging for parents and kids alike. Of course, you want your kids to grow into adults who will be successful, happy, and healthy. But so much of what we experience as parents of teens results from the foundation we built when they were children.
I’ve learned the teenage years are some of the most exciting and rewarding years of parenting!
What is the Purpose of Parenting?
When you google the purpose of parenting, you’ll find definitions like the following: Three primary parenting goals are ensuring children’s health and safety, preparing children for life as productive adults, and transmitting cultural values.
According to Psych Central, “The primary purpose of parenting is to raise fully functional adults who can take care of themselves and positively contribute to society.” It says, “Generally speaking, this should be accomplished by eighteen. After this age, parents have less verbal influence but can still be positive role models through actions, not words.”
As simple as these definitions are, they are just a piece of the puzzle. For example, is it our primary purpose in parenting to ensure our children’s safety or for them to take care of themselves? Those aren’t the primary purposes of parenting. They are part of our responsibilities, but a crucial piece of the puzzle is still missing.
Our True Purpose of Parenting
When I think about why I had children and how I felt when they were born, it’s no different from when I said my vows to my husband. I promised to love him through all life’s twists and turns. But I also promised to encourage and support him to become the best version of himself.
The day each one of your children was born, you made a vow… a vow to love them, yes, keep them safe, but to empower and encourage them to become the best they can be. As you rocked them to sleep, you had many dreams and hopes for them. You saw visions of them having a positive impact on this world. But somewhere along the way, you lost sight of that vision. Why? Because parenting is tiring and life is distracting. Or you never had the right tools to see it through.
Parenting is a vast puzzle, and nobody lays out all the pieces for us… and for most of us? The box is missing… we have no idea where the edges are and how everything is supposed to fit. Furthermore, people offer puzzle pieces that will never match our puzzle. The result can feel overwhelming and incredibly confusing.
This post on 11 powerful parenting goals will simplify all of that for you and leave you with a clear vision of your purpose in parenting and a set path on how to achieve those goals.
The real test of a parenting model is how well-equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race. —Dr. Tim Kimmel
Well-Meaning Parents
Before we jump into the 11 powerful parenting goals for raising teenagers, let’s first address some well-meaning parental approaches that fall short. One of my favorite parenting books is Grace-Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel. He elaborates on a few parenting approaches that have led so many astray:
Fear-Based Parenting
They make their decisions based on fear of the world. To shield their children from all the “evils,” they show them that everything outside the home is to be feared.
“Fear-based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated kids.” image control, high control parenting, herd-mentality, duct tape parenting, life-support parenting.”
Christian Behavior-Modification Parenting
This is similar to fear-based parenting. But parents take it further by focusing on the perfect Christian family picture. This parenting plan assumes the battle is outside the child, and their spiritual life can be transferred to their child’s… like a generational transaction.
Reputation and Image Focused Parenting
My mom used this parenting. She focused on what others might think instead of being concerned about what was happening in my heart. So, what others thought about how I dressed, who I hung out with, and what I was doing was a direct reflection of her parenting. The problem with this parenting is that children learn quickly that there is little grace in the “Christian” family.
High-Control Parenting
This combines toxic fear, anger, bondage, shame, and strength. These parents bring out the worst in their children.
“Hight-control parenting is a manipulation against our children’s weaknesses to get them to meet our selfish agenda.”
Herd-Mentality Parenting
These parents follow the crowd, especially if the crowd is over-scheduling their kids. They constantly compare and parent like everyone else.
Keeping Grace at the Center of Powerful Parenting Goals
What is the most significant missing piece to our parenting puzzle?
Grace.
Grace-based parents are committed to knowing God more. When their children are the hardest to love, they show exceptional grace. Their advice to their children consists of a combination of:
“You are a gift from God; go make a difference.”
“You may struggle to do the right thing sometimes, but you’re forgiven.”
Living reframed is based on living loved. Therefore, you can only reframe your perspective and make behavior changes based on the freedom of living loved. And that’s precisely what grace-based parenting offers to children; An air of confidence that comes from knowing God profoundly loves them.
When Andy and I began our family, we sat down and asked each other what the most significant difference walking with God had made in our life was. We mutually agreed that His grace changed everything for us. It gave us the confidence to try things without the feeling of failure.
Confidence.
That’s what we wanted our kids to have. My lack of confidence got me into so much trouble. I can’t imagine how different my choices would have been in my teen years if I had the confidence to be who I was.
Grace-based families are not afraid. They are especially unafraid of the surrounding evil. They aren’t driven by guilt or what others think of them.
Furthermore, children raised in a grace-based environment experience loving grace and forgiveness and are more inclined to see others as God sees them. They offer judgment-free love and have a heart for those who are struggling.
Three Main Needs Every Child Is Born With
There are three inner driving needs of every child when they are born. So even though things like homeschooling, driving them to school, traveling to soccer practices and games, cooking dinner, helping with homework, etc., make up a lot of our roles as parents… Everything we do needs to be filtered with these three needs:
- A need for security
- A need for significance
- A need for strength
Our prayer is that our children will always leave the house with a love that is secure, a purpose that is significant, and a hope that is strong.
A Love That is Secure
Living loved is a game-changer for any human being, let alone a child. But let’s focus on a definition of love that can change and help you choose the right thing when parenting your child:
Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost.
We need to love our children the way God loves us— when they’re unappreciative, when they don’t deserve it, when it’s inconvenient, when it’s costly to us, and yes, even when it’s painful.
“What is vital in all of this is that a parent should communicate nothing but acceptance for their children’s unique characteristics.”
A Purpose That Is Significant
Children can enter adulthood with a scarred purpose without a parent’s deliberate, gracious involvement in identifying and developing potential. But so many teens never find their niche because they don’t have parents willing to help them find it.
“Untapped potential is a crime to humanity, an insult to God, and a shame for an individual.”
Watching our kids follow their passions is one of my greatest joys. This may be a shocker, but most likely, their desires will not be what you want them to be. But what if we support them in what they love (skiing, cars, sports, rollerblading, gaming, etc.) and meet them where they’re at? We’ll experience a side of their spirit that can be one of the most significant rewards for our hard work. So stay wildly curious about the things that light your teens up!
“One of the worst things we can do for our children is to send them into their adult years as one-dimensional people.”
A Hope That Is Strong
Hope is everything. Hopelessness is why we have so many children committing suicide at alarming rates, and the age keeps getting younger.
Our children need to see parents who place their complete confidence in God. If I tell my children I trust God but live in fear, lack joy, and have zero patience or kindness toward others, I send a mixed message to them.
“Children develop hope when they have loving parents ready to sacrifice to meet their helpless needs.”
There are so many seasons our lives will go through while raising children; our marriage cycles, relocation, economic changes, individual setbacks, and the stages of our children’s growth. If we fail to respond to these changing rhythms graciously and with kindness, we can leave our children insecure about what they are facing or may face.
I don’t know about you, but I want my children to feel strong and hopeful that regardless of what comes their way, there is no situation too far gone for God.
“It’s unloving to keep our children weak or helpless. In fact, strength is one of the natural conclusions of love.”
11 Powerful Parenting Goals: 2023 Teenager Edition
Ok, at this point, you might be thinking, “Wow! How can I live up to this?” or you might feel like it’s too late. Well, mama, it’s not. That is what’s so beautiful about grace. If you’re like me, you need to hear Him say, “It’s all right. I forgive you. I’ll help you recover from your mistakes with your kids.”
Let’s dive into our 11 powerful parenting goals for 2023!
1. Good Work Ethic
How can you teach someone to be diligent and hardworking? Well, a good work ethic is more of a habit than a skill—and it’s typically caught, not taught, like most goals in parenting. The key is ensuring your children have the right environment to cultivate these good habits. For example, if a routine or schedule for homework or chores isn’t established, your teenager may do less than they are capable of because there’s no structure for them. Our children have chores they are expected to do without “allowance.” These are part of living in this house as a family. We also encourage our children to get jobs at 16 years old. They learn quickly fantastic work ethic and so many more valuable life lessons!
2. Leave the World Nicer Than You Found It.
Teach them the benefit of putting a higher value on others than they do on themselves. This empowers them to look out for the weak and disenfranchised people they encounter daily.
3. Financially Responsible
Do they see you making wise financial decisions? Have you helped them establish a savings account and, at 15 years old, a checking account? When we teach our teenagers at a young age how to budget, save and give, they experience the grace to make mistakes while we walk side by side with them. Getting a job (see work ethic) also connects the dots for them with working hard, saving, and giving back.
4. Make a Commitment to a Lifetime of Learning.
Encourage them to consistently try new things and open themselves up to new experiences.
5. Carry Your Weight at Home
This goes back to number one, work ethic. Is your teen a team player at home, and do they help with chores? Do they look for ways to help other family members when they’re sick?
6. Pay Attention to What You Learn From Life’s Experiences So That You Are More Valuable to Others.
Children equipped to radiate God’s grace take the edge off the people around them. He wants us to prepare our children, so they leave our homes with a clear spiritual purpose that can add the right touch to whatever part of the world they wander to.
7. Stay Healthy Physically and Practice Good Self-Care
There are many health benefits to staying physically active, including mental health. When we raise our children with value, hope, and purpose, they also learn to value themselves. When you love yourself, you take care of yourself. This includes practicing good hygiene and self-care.
8. Learn How to Prioritize and Set Goals
At the beginning of every school year, we took our kids on individual dates to discuss their goals. We helped them establish benchmarks for reading, exercising, grades, a skill they wanted to improve, and a new skill they wanted to learn. Then, we helped them track them and refocus when they got distracted. The tracking can be done on a whiteboard in their room or a worksheet in a planner. This isn’t about perfection, but focusing on progress instead. It’s also compelling to share goals you’ve set so that you can encourage each other throughout the year.
9. A Sense of Belonging
This goes back to a love that is secure. Everybody wants to feel like they belong somewhere, and the family unit is the best place to start. We can’t control what happens when they’re at school or work, but we can control the temperature in our house. Does your teen feel like they have to compete with your work or your friends? Does your teen feel like they have to earn your love? Is your house filled with grace and safety?
10. Spiritual Awareness
This goes back to a purpose that is significant. God profoundly loves our children. His goal is to have a meaningful, eternal relationship with them. That relationship will enable them to make a spiritual difference in the lives of others. But their faith has to become theirs, not an extension of yours.
11. Learn Self-Discipline With Electronics
Let’s face it, we’re all addicted to our phones. But the growing brain of our teens has far too much at stake for us to give up the electronic battle. In our family, we practice a weekly digital detox. You can read about it here. Phones are not the problem; they will undoubtedly be around for a while. So instead, let’s equip and empower our teens with the ability to create self-discipline habits surrounding electronic usage.
Word of Warning to Parents When Implementing Parenting Goals
We can train our teens in these 11 powerful parenting goals, but the bottom line is that children embrace what is modeled far more than what they are told.
Take some time to look through what we’ve discussed so far. How is your spiritual awareness? What about your physical activity and self-care? We must walk in these things ourselves to show love, purpose, and hope.
Family Code of Conduct
How do we incorporate these powerful parenting goals into a family’s habitual way of living? Well, not only did we create a family code of conduct to instill these lifelong, healthy habits, but it also serves as a guardrail with electronics.
This code of conduct is written on a whiteboard and kept in our dining room. So, when the kids eat, go outside, play with friends, and do homework or chores… they see it.
I’ll share ours, but the point is for you to create YOURS to fit your lifestyle.
̲T̲H̲E̲ ̲J̲O̲H̲N̲S̲O̲N̲ ̲C̲O̲D̲E̲ ̲O̲F̲ ̲C̲O̲N̲D̲U̲C̲T̲:̲
- ?? ?????? ??? ?????????? ?? ???????? ?? ??? ??????.
- ???? ???? ?????? ?????? ??? ?????. (?????? ??? ????? ???? ?????????.)
- ?? ?? ?????? ??????????? ?? ???? ?????????????. (??, ????????? ??? ???????? ??? ??? ????????? ????? ?? ?????????????!)
- ???? ?????? ??????. (???? ???? ????? ??? ???????? ???? ??????? ?? ?????.)
- ???? ?????????? ?????? ??? ???? ???? ?? ???? ??????. (??? ??? ?? ???? ???? ??? ??? ???? ????? ???!)
- ???? ???? ???? ?? ??????? — ?????? ???? ???????????, ??????? ??? ??????? ??? ??? ? ????. (???? ???? ?? ???? ??????? ?????? ??? ????? ?? ????????? ??? ????? ??…??? ????? ??—????? ?????? ????? ????? ?? ???????? ????!!!)
If any one of these is broken or not followed… it’s simple… you get your electronics taken away. Grace is always given, but this takes the emotions out of it! Of course, we’re not perfect AT ALL and lose sight of these habits. But this is a guideline, and it becomes easier when you stay consistent, and they know what to expect! It’s also a good test for us as parents. As I’ve mentioned earlier, are we following those same habits?
Wrapping It All Up
Remember, Mamas! It’s not about perfection, but progress. We all want to see our kids live up to their fullest potential and strive to be and do their best at all times.
We KNOW whose fingerprints are all over them.
We KNOW who they are at their core.
We KNOW who they belong to and the value placed on them. (In other words, we KNOW they have greatness in them!)
But we also need to remember the battle they face every day. They must do what they know is right and resist what feels good. Or they just flat-out get tired of constantly trying hard and feel like it will never be good enough.
This was me as a teen. Knowing I’d never be able to do it perfectly, I eventually said screw it and just stopped trying altogether.
Consider this is your reminder to parent in PATIENCE, TRUST, LOVE, and an unending supply of GRACE. Allow for mistakes. Furthermore, admit when you’re wrong and made a mistake…and ask for forgiveness.
Kids learn from watching adults. Show them what you want them to model. Children don’t listen to their parents… they imitate them!
Even if you see zero fruit from your labor today… trust the process. You’re laying the foundation now for the rest of their lives!
If you liked this article, you’ll love these:
Sex Before Marriage: 10 Compelling Reasons to Wait
Communicating with Your Teenage Son: 21 Simple Tips
I am a coach, writer, and speaker.