The Seven Primal Questions: Hidden Forces That Drive Your Marriage

Have you ever wondered why something your husband does (or repeatedly does) bothers you and sends you into a spiral of destructive behavior?

Well, buckle up! I have something that will change everything for you!

How I Discovered the Seven Primal Questions

As usual, I listened to a podcast by Donald Miller on my daily walk. On this particular day, he had a guest I had not heard of, Mike Foster. I was instantly captivated by their conversation. Mike had just launched a book in April called The Seven Primal Questions. As he went on to explain the premise and purpose of the book, I was struck by the simplicity with which both men tackled the complex issues the book aimed to heal and resolve. As Mike spoke, he explained how we all have a question imprinted on us in childhood… sometimes by how we were raised, or sometimes it was imprinted because of trauma. (I’ll explain more about how these questions affect our adult lives later in this blog.) Mike explained how his question is, “Am I Safe?” He explained that this was imprinted in him because of sexual abuse. As he peeled back the layers of how that question affects his life today, I stopped in my tracks and began to cry.

Am I safe?

God’s sense of humor and guidance always amazes me. Here’s where it all came together…

Days before hearing the podcast, my husband and I had an in-depth conversation about how important it was for my heart to feel “safe” with him. Furthermore, I articulated my thoughts and feelings over the last year, and the word safe kept playing repeatedly. Mind you, in our 28 years of marriage, I have never used the word “safe” but in the context of our marriage. The conversation was a success, and we experienced some breakthroughs in our misunderstandings. Back to the podcast…

As you can imagine, the minute I heard Mike Foster dive deeper into the first Primal Question, “Am I safe?” I knew I had to look further into the book and the Primal Question system.

It didn’t take long for me to jump on board, seek mentorship, and be among the first to receive my Primal Question Coaching Certification.

Let’s jump into this system and how it can change everything in your marriage!

The Seven Primal Questions: Getting to the Roots

Like most aspects of your identity, your Primal Question was formed early in childhood. Author, T.F. Hodge accurately states, “What surrounds us is what is within us.” This is especially true of the family environments in which we grew up.

The average child asks 250 questions a day. The average adult asks 20. As a child, you were hungry for answers – even if they were bad answers.

Research shows that a child’s brain develops connections faster in the first five years than at any other time in their lives. In this early development, the foundations for identity, behavior, and beliefs about life are laid down. Whether your caretakers knew it or not, they influenced your love, safety, and belonging concepts. The effect is so strong, it ends up defining the way you see and experience life as an adult.

As a child, you had emotional needs for things like self-worth, safety, value, purpose, and inclusion. These needs show up as unspoken Primal Questions that demand an answer from your caretakers. When your core need is met, the answer to that Primal Question comes back as a yes. You no longer need to continue to ask that question.

However, when your need is not met or the answer to the question is confusing to the child, the answer registers as a no. This locks the child onto their unique Primal Question that they will continue to ask into adulthood. They will keep asking this question, day after day, looking to have it answered with a yes.

The Primal Question gives you solid answers. Why do you do what you do? Why do you self-abandon and let fear control your decisions? What is your highest emotional need? What is your supernatural gift that the world needs?

The Seven Primal Questions: What Are They?

While there are many ways to phrase the big questions that influence our lives and relationships, Mike condensed them into seven Primal Questions:

Question #1: Am I safe?

Question #2: Am I secure?

Question #3: Am I loved?

Question #4: Am I wanted?

Question #5: Am I successful?

Question #6: Am I good enough?

Question #7: Do I have a purpose?

It is important to note that all of us have portions of each question within us. In fact, as you looked through the questions, you may have resonated with a few. Or with all of them! This is very normal. These questions represent core needs that all humans have. But there’s only one question that is the track that drives your “lifeboat.” Only one of these questions is the thing underneath the thing. Other questions may influence your life, but only one is your Primal Question. If you’re not sure which it is, that’s okay. I have a simple assessment you can take HERE. Upon completion, I have a snapshot of your personalized Primal Question that I’ll send, and if you’d like, we can unpack it further with a FREE 30-minute session.

The Seven Primal Questions in a Nutshell

 

• • You were stamped with a Primal Question in your childhood.

• • Now, as an adult, you subconsciously ask this question repeatedly.

• • Life feels positive when the answer to your Primal Question is yes.

• • When the answer is no or maybe, you enter “the scramble.”

• • In the scramble, you attempt to force a yes through unhealthy means.

• • When the answer is returned to a yes, life is good again.

Simple idea. Huge implications.

The Primal Question is directly linked to your feelings and triggers. It also influences how you interact with others. When you know your question, you unhook from people-pleasing and learn to become a self-advocate in your relationships.

Your Primal Question also highly directs your decisions for your life. It influences how you see yourself and is the mirror that reflects your worth, safety, and position in the world.

Understanding your Primal Question offers a fresh and exciting way to lead yourself into the life you have always wanted.

But please know this: Having a Primal Question is not the problem. You are not flawed or broken because you carry a question over your life. The real problem is not being aware of your Primal Question and letting it secretly call the shots. A situation Mike calls “the scramble.”

The Pieces of the Seven Primal Question System

We’ll cover the pieces of the Seven Primal Questions and how they interact with each other.

The Scramble

The first piece of the system is called “The Scramble.” The scramble is your chaotic reaction to your Primal Question being answered with a no or maybe. It is all the behaviors and unhelpful choices you use to force a yes answer. It is the behavioral adaption you figured out in childhood to meet your core emotional need.

Anytime you’re feeling stress, angst, frustration, anger, or anxiety, your Primal Question has been rattled.

The scramble untethers you from your best self and anchors you to a never-ending battle for a yes answer to your Primal Question. Here’s a short list of things people do when operating in their scramble:

People-pleasing

Over-giving

Codependency

Controlling people

Letting others make your choices for you

Perfectionism

Transactional love

Constantly checking your investments

Extreme focus on how you look

Workaholic tendencies

Saying yes to everything

Participating in promiscuous sex

Buying crap you don’t need to impress people you don’t know

Living your days in the scramble is your ultimate self-sabotage.

From Primal Question to Primal Truth

The seven Primal Questions are simplistic. No fancy words. They are not overly complicated. This is because words that form our Primal Question are really the words of a wounded child. This wounded kid inside of us has been asking our Primal Question over and over and over again. When our Primal Question is answered in the negative, we use “kid logic” to guide our adult lives. Though it’s easy to slip into this wounded kid-logic, it is entirely unhelpful in solving our adult problems. But there is another way.

As an adult, you have the power to answer your own Primal Question for yourself. Wounded kids have questions, but healthy adults have answers. Living in your Primal Truth flips your question into a more accurate and factual statement. It looks like this:

Am I safe? becomes “I am safe.”

Am I secure? becomes “I am secure.”

Am I loved? becomes “I am loved.”

Am I wanted? becomes “I am wanted.”

Am I successful? becomes “I am successful.”

Am I good enough?” becomes “I am good enough.”

Do I have a purpose?” becomes “I have a purpose.”

Living in your Primal Truth means you no longer look to others to answer your question. You self-answer with your own yes. This is the ultimate type of self-leadership and puts you in control again.

Relational Superpowers and Primal Gifts

Ok… this is my favorite part of the seven Primal Question system! Your Primal Question primes you for greatness. Why? Because what you need is often what you give away to others, We refer to this as your Primal Gift.

The years of wrestling with your own Primal Question have equipped you with the mastery to meet that need. This expertise can be used in your relationships, family, and work.

In basic terms, we give what we want. This is the core idea around the Primal Gift. And, friend, you have so much to give. The very thing that you always wanted is now yours to give away.

Our setbacks are the setups to our superpowers. Our pain always serves a sacred purpose. Because of an unanswered question that hurt you in childhood, you now possess an extravagant gift that the world needs. It’s time to deploy it into your friendships, family, and work.

Discovering Your Primal Question

Some of my clients recognize their question right away. It instantly gives language to something they’ve felt their entire lives. Others take longer and need more time to explore.

I have an easy online assessment to help you identify your Primal Question. You can take the assessment HERE.

There are some things you should consider while discovering your Primal Question

What are my triggers?

Triggers get pulled when your Primal Question is answered with a no. What makes you upset or angry? What makes you overrespond or withdraw? Identify the issue and ask, “Why does this bother me so much?” Chances are, the answer will point to your Primal Question.

What do I do really well in a relationship?

Are you an encourager? A planner who makes sure everyone is invited? Someone who is energized helping others succeed? This is a result of putting your Primal Question on others. This is your Primal Gift at work. Whatever comes naturally to you in your relationship points to your Primal Question.

What is my message to the world?

What do you want every person on the planet to know about themselves? When we can identify our most important message to others, it speaks to our highest priority. If you’re a parent, think about what your core message to your kids might be. It’s the breadcrumbs that will lead you on the trail to your Primal Question.

 

• • Do you want others to know they are safe? (Question #1)

• • Do you want people to know they have enough to feel secure? (Question #2)

• • Is it important that people know they are seen, heard, and loved? (Question #3)

• • Is your message that everyone belongs? (Question #4)

• • Is your message that you can achieve anything you want? (Question #5)

• • Do you want people to know that they are valuable and worthy? (Question #6)

• • Do you want everyone to know that their life matters and has significance? (Question #7)

You will see your Primal Question if you can identify your message to the world. As yourself, If there’s only one thing I could say to another human being, what would my message be?

What was unclear or confusing in my childhood?

Feelings about childhood can be complex, but let’s keep it simple. In what way could your parents have been less confusing and more clear? Fundamentally, the question is there because your caretakers answered with a no or were unclear in their messaging to you. Here are some questions about your upbringing and the possible tie to your Primal Question.

Q1: Am I safe?

Did you grow up in a chaotic home with neglect or addiction? Did you feel protected? Was there abuse present? Were you able to talk about hard or scary things?

Q2: Am I secure?

Did your parents struggle with money? Did they fight about paying bills?

Q3: Am I loved?

Did your parents talk over you and not listen? Did you feel seen? Was love withheld from you or did it feel transactional?

Q4: Am I wanted?

Did your dad abandon your family? Were you the middle child and felt overlooked? Were your caretakers involved in your extracurricular activities, or were you left to your own devices?

Q5: Am I successful?

Were your parents always concerned about your grades and winning? Was your upbringing focused on high achievement?

Q6: Am I good enough?

Did you wonder if you measured up? Did you feel unimportant? Did your caretakers expect perfection? Were you judged or criticized?

Q7: Do I have a purpose?

Did your upbringing place pressure on you to make a difference in the world? Did you grow up in a religious home where eternity, legacy, and service were prioritized?

Think about the question you might have been wondering about as a kid, and you will be directed to your Primal Question.

The Seven Primal Questions and Your Marriage

As you read earlier, the Primal Question significantly impacted our marriage. And as we dove deeper into each other’s questions, many things in our marriage made much more sense.

It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship when both of you are in the scramble. I love what Mike says, “Marriage is not where our dreams are met. Marriage is a safe place to become the person we are designed to be.” That’s why I’m so passionate about helping others restore their marriages. Andy and I have grown so much together, and we can genuinely help reveal the areas of our lives that need to be worked on.

As you discover your spouse’s Primal Question, you realize your spouse is not a bad person. Somewhere along the lines, we end up being in a relationship with our spouse’s trauma and triggers… in other words, we have a relationship with their scramble.

When equipped with your spouse’s Primal Question, you can now be intentional about answering their PQ with a YES… not just a yes, but a LOUD YES! And if your spouse is consistently answering their own PQ as a yes by living in their Primal Truth, you both now get to enjoy having a relationship with the healthiest version of each other.

In Conclusion

Understanding your Primal Question is liberating. Knowing the invisible forces that drive you is a life-altering insight. The lights come on, and you start to see your story differently. The Primal Question is the ultimate REFRAME! Hopefully, it leads to more self-compassion and self-awareness that reframes how you see the world and, most importantly, yourself.

Take my FREE Primal Question assessment HERE , and I’ll send you a snapshot of your personalized Primal Question. You can schedule a FREE 30-minute call to dive deeper into it and see if what I do to help my clients is a good fit for you. We’ll not only accurately identify your Primal Question, but I’ll guide you in utilizing this incredible system to take control of the hidden forces that drive you and your marriage.

Also, to further explore the Seven Primal Questions by Mike Foster, purchase his book from Amazon HERE.

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